Running? Me? What?

I did something last Thursday night that I never thought I would be able to do or want to do. I went for a run. Yes, you read that right, I went running. By choice. No one was chasing me. I just felt like running would clear my head. And it did. And guess what? I want to go running again. Gasp! Who would have ever thought? Not me, that's for sure. But let me back up a little bit, and explain why the thought of me running is such exciting thing!

I hate running. No, I loathe running. I always get shin splints, my knees crack and parts of my body jiggle that I would really prefer not to jiggle. In high school when we had to run the mile, I would walk. Yeah, I was that kid. I thought it was better to walk and get a slow time than run and still get a slow time. So a year ago, when I began this magical journey to weight loss, I had no false hopes that I would become a runner. Did I wish that I could run? Yes. I so desperately wished that I was one of those people that found running to be therapeutic. But I was not. Running was painful and embarrassing.

I have 2 friends that go to my gym and both of them can run. I always wished I could sign all 3 of us up for a 5k race, the only problem was that I needed to start training. So in attempt to test my running ability I tried to run around the track at the gym. Awful. It was a complete disaster. At the time, my boobs were much larger than they are today, so with every stride my chest would pound down and it felt like the wind was being knocked out of me. Lovely, right? I made it one lap around the track and gave up.

Ever since that failed running attempt I have slowly been trying to run more. My Monday night Circuit class starts out with running laps around the gym, and this used to be the hardest part of the class for me. Actually, I didn't even try going to this class for months because I dreaded having to run, even for 3 minutes. However after months of running laps in class it became a little easier each week. It may have helped that I have since dropped 3 whole cup sizes, so now it doesn't feel like I am going to collapse from air lose. But parts of body still jiggle that I would prefer not to jiggle. Oh well, I must remember to cheer the small victories!

So when last Thursday rolled around I had no intention of going for a run. But I had a pretty bad day at work because I was working on a deadline, and was being tempted with donuts that someone had brought into the office. At the end of the day I left work in a complete funk. I was not in a good mood, I felt so out of it, and going to the gym was the last thing that I wanted to do. But I knew that I needed to do something. If I had sat at home I probably would have binged. It was just one of those kind of moods.

And all of sudden I had an aha moment and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to run. People are always talking about going for a run to clear their heads, and that was just what I wanted, clarity. So I strapped on my tennis shoes, secured pepper spray in boobs, and set out to the wealthy part of my neighborhood. I figured that the bad guys would be casing houses, not looking to mug me! And I was right, I didn't get mugged. So they were either casing houses or I was too fast and they couldn't catch me! HA! That's unlikely.

I started out with a fast paced walk, which quickly turned into a jog. I was able to keep up a moderate jogging pace for about 4 blocks. Then I walked for a block. Then I started running again. Then walked. You get the drift. Even though I didn't run the entire time, I ended up running more than I walked. And for an overweight, non runner that is pretty triumphant! As I was running through the neighborhood I passed several other people that were running, and I even got a head nod of approval from a couple that I crossed paths with. I must have fooled them into thinking that I was a legitimate runner! If I can fool other people, maybe I can also fool myself into thinking that I am a runner. One can only hope.

And to avoid those dreaded shin splints that I figured I would get, I spent the rest of the night icing my shins. It worked, I woke up the next morning with minimal pain! Hooray!

It Was Worth It.

Here I am today.
A year later.
54 pounds lighter.
Down 3 cup size.
Stronger than I was a year ago.
Stronger than I was yesterday;
Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. 

And after completing a whole year of dieting, exercise, and moderation,
I can honestly tell you that it was worth it. Every single minute of it.
It was worth every single squat, lunge, plié, and dead lift.
It was worth every cookie that I didn't consume and every happy hour that I skipped.
It was worth every minute spent on a boring elliptical machine when I could have been on the couch.
It was worth it. 
It was worth working through every weight plateau.
It was worth every workout that I finished when I wanted to skip it instead.
It was worth every bowl of vegetables that I ate instead of ice cream.
It was worth it.
It was worth every workout that I wanted to walk out of but stayed because I don't quit.
It was worth all of the times that I was so sore I could barely get out of bed.
It was worth every drop of sweat and every heavy breath.
It was worth it.
It was worth every time that I felt like I was going to puke. Or pass out.
It was worth every tear that I cried when I felt like I couldn't do it.
It was worth every dollar that I spent on gym clothes, a gym pass and healthy foods.
It was worth the perseverance that it took to get me where I am today.
It was worth it.
It was so worth it.

It was worth it because I can fit into clothes that I haven't worn in 4 years.
Because I can run just a little bit further than I could last week.
Because the number on the scale keeps moving down and the number on my dumbbells keeps moving up.
It was worth it because I have gained self confidence.
Because I am proud of the body that I worked for, not the body I was born with.
Because I love photos that are taken of me instead of being critical of every photo.
It was worth it because now I love looking in the mirror.
I love seeing my body change with every passing day.
It was worth it because I worked my ass off and got results.
Because I no longer have fat girl arms.
Because now I have self control.
Because my body can do things that I never thought I would be capable of.
It was worth it because I am living a healthy, and happy lifestyle and I never want to go back.
It was worth it because today I look like this:

And not that:

Now and Then

As I stated in this post, I am a week away from my one year anniversary of adopting a healthier lifestyle. The biggest challenge for me was definitely changing my eating. I love all foods that are bad for me. So I wanted to take a look into some of the foods that I was eating a year ago, compared to what I am eating today.

A veggie burger for dinner: 

Then: A heaping plate full of tater tots dipped in ranch dressing accompanied by a veggie burger, with cheese, a bun, mayo and ketchup.
Estimated amount of WW points: 30-32
Estimated amount of calories: 850-870

Now: Sweet potato tots (counted out to reach the exact portion size) dipped in ketchup, veggie burger without a bun and cheese, and a pile of broccoli.
WW points: 7-8
Calories: 260-280

Pizza at home: 

Then: 3/4 (sometimes a whole) of a frozen cheese pizza, with ranch dressing drizzled on top. 

WW points: 24-30 

Calories 840-990

Now: If I am craving pizza I will use 1 whole wheat tortilla topped with spaghetti sauce, veggies, low fat cheese, and hot sauce drizzled on top. 

WW points: 8-9 

Calories: 260-280

Bagels:

Then: 2-3 bagels a day. My roommate used to work at Panera Bread and would bring home bags full of left over bagels every night. No wonder I got fat, right? 

WW points: 18-27

Calories: 660-990

Now: 1 bagel thin, maybe 2-3 a week. 

WW points: 3

Calories: 110

 Burrito: 

Then: A burrito with tortilla, rice, black beans, queso, cheese, and guacamole.
WW points: 28-31
Calories: 1,000-1,240

Now: A burrito bowl with no tortilla, no cheese, no queso, a small drizzle of sour cream, sometimes rice but usually no rice.
WW points: 12-13
Calories: 460-555

Egg Sandwich:

Then: To make an egg sandwich I would use a bagel, a slice of cheese, slices of avocado topped with ranch dressing. Before I knew much about healthy foods, I thought I should cut out fat from my sandwich by removing the avocado but keeping the ranch. 

WW points: 18

Calories: 670-690

Now: I realize the value of avocado and the benefit of having good fats in your diet. Now if I make an egg sandwich it consists of a bagel thin or a tortilla, with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese spread, egg whites, and slices of avocado.
WW points: 7
Calories: 275

However, most of the time when I am eating eggs I do not make a sandwich. I usually eat egg white, with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and slices of avocado.
WW points: 4
Calories: 145

Coffee Drinks: 

Then: A grande pumpkin spice latte or white chocolate mocha made with skim milk and no whip from Starbucks. I was at least smart enough to know to get skim milk and no whip!

WW points: 7 or 10

Calories: 260 or 350

With whip and 2% milk. 

WW points: 10 or 13 

Calories: 380 or 470

Now: A grande skinny vanilla or caramel latte from Starbucks
WW points: 3
Calories: 120


Doing this post was absolutely shocking. I bet that I was easily consuming 2,500 calories in a day. Yikes!! As you can see, my eating has definitely shaped up. I have cut down on my carbs, I have started monitoring and measuring out portion sizes, and I have eliminated ranch dressing from my life.  Ranch used to be a fairly regular part of my diet but we had to break up. I still love ranch dressing with my whole heart, but I have realized that my relationship with ranch was very unhealthy. Another thing that I had to break up with but I am still in love with; coffee drinks. I love a white chocolate mocha or a pumpkin spice latte or a salted caramel mocha. However when I only have 30 points in a day, I cannot justify using 10 of them on a coffee. Alas, sugary coffee drinks have been eliminated.

As sad as I am about not consuming ranch, pizza, and sugar love in a cup, I am so much happier at the thought of the number on the scale going down!

How I Got To Be This Size

I am about 1 week away from my one year anniversary. One year of dieting, exercising, and losing weight. And because I have been conducting this sort of lifestyle for the last year, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate my next several posts to reflecting upon the last year and what I have learned about dieting, about exercise and about myself. For this post I thought I would reflect on my life before the aha moment occurred. With every major weight loss story, there is also a weight gain story. So after a year of reflecting on why I spent at least a decade struggling with my weight, I have decided to share some insight into my weight gain.

I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I have always loved junk food, and hated exercise. I am naturally lazy and drawn to fatty foods. As a kid I could never wear a two piece bathing suit, or borrow friends clothes. Believe me, I was a chubster. I used to sneak extra pieces of candy and avoid family walks. Pathetic, right? My mom did the best that she could, but I spent weekends with my dad and afternoons with my grandma, and neither of them worried about my eating. They loved me no matter my size. My grandma expressed her love by giving me food. My favorite after school snack that she made was tortilla chips smothered in melted cheese.

At 13 years old I was worried about being fat. I wanted to look like Avril Lavigne, or Hilary Duff. I wanted to be as skinny as the girls that I was watching on the Disney Channel. So in order to lose weight I decided to give up sugar and become more active. I lost some weight, but of course gained it all back the minute I started eating sugar again. And so I spent the next 5 years being lazy and overweight. Like most teenage girls, I thought I could starve myself, but after one day of not eating breakfast I realized that I was not anorexic. This is what I looked like when I graduated high school in May, 2007: helloooo double chin!

This was when I started college in September, 2007: 

Shortly after this photo was taken I joined a gym as an attempt to lose weight and tone up. I wanted a new beginning. During this time I didn't really change my eating, nor did I monitor my eating, yet I was still able to lose 20 pounds in about 4 months. I think the fact that I wasn't consuming alcohol may have helped the weight come off. After losing the 20 pounds, this was what I looked like on January 1st, 2008 (freshmen in college). Notice that the double chin is gone, and I have quite the sexy jawline forming.

Once summer came along, I moved home and took a job as a nanny.  I figured this would keep me active enough to keep the weight off. Boy, was I wrong. As a nanny I may have been active, but instead of planning meals around my own cravings, I was now planning meals according to the kid's cravings. I shifted from eating a veggie sandwich for lunch, to eating mac and cheese with tater tots. The family that I was caring for did not believe in left overs, so to avoid waste I usually ended up finishing off what was left. I also began eating more frequently, having to plan twice a day snack times. As I am sure you can guess I gained weight over the summer. I didn't gain all 20 pounds back but at the end of summer my shorts were definitely having some trouble staying buttoned.

When I went back to school that fall, I did not hit up the gym again, nor did I change my new eating habits. I kept on traveling down the road of junk food and large portions. Slowly over time I stopped caring about anything that I put into my mouth. And slowly over time I started packing on the pounds. This picture is January 1st, 2009 (sophomore in college), just a year later. The double chin is creeping back, and I definitely lost that sexy jawline.

As a college student, I knew that my eating habits were not the best, but I was eating and drinking at the same rate as my peers. The only problem was that I was gaining weight at triple the speed that any of them were. I always felt alone. I never had someone in my life that struggled as much as I did. My friends could eat a whole frozen pizza, why couldn't I? Why was I the fat one in the group? I think my roommate loved (and still loves) food more than I did, but somehow she weighed at least 80 pounds lighter than me. It just didn't seem fair.

 

 

 Left: Fall 2009 (junior in college).


 Right: December 24, 2009.












All throughout college I kept shoveling unhealthy foods into my mouth. In my senior year of college I would regularly consume a bag of chips, bagels, mac and cheese, frozen pizzas, and probably the most detrimental thing of all, alcohol. I had just turned 21 and I took full advantage of my legal drinking rights. And at that point in my life I was drinking vodka drinks with sprite and grenadine. Or gin with cranberry juice. Talk about sugar rush in a glass. Here are some photos of me in my senior year, spring 2011. Ignore the mustache, I have shaved it off since this picture!

I was big and getting bigger. I am sure that I was gaining weight with every passing week. Yet, I still did not have an aha moment, even when I looked at these photos. I convinced myself that it was just a bad angle. That my dress was ruffled the wrong way, or that I was tilting my head in a way that made me face look large. I was in denial, so I kept eating. I was sad about being the fat friend, so I binged. No one around me was dieting, so I didn't either. However I don't think that I really knew how big that I was getting. I stopped wearing jeans in my sophomore year. I started wearing dresses and leggings. So to this day, I don't know what my largest pant size was, but if I had to guess I would say a 20 or 22.

After I graduated college I got a new job (the same job that I have today) and my eating got even worse. I know what you must be thinking: "her eating could really get worse than chips, pizza and mac and cheese?" Oh yes, it could. On top of those unhealthy foods that I was woofing down, I added office treats. You know those treats that I complain about in this post and this post? Yep, I was eating those, which explains the vendetta that I have against them now. Eating a cookie became a normal part of my day. And the dinners that I made were large, and rarely included a vegetable. So after 2 months of eating poorly, and being very inactive, I finally had my aha moment. I saw a picture that changed my entire life. This has to be more than a double chin, possibly even the start of a triple chin? Gross.

I did not recognize this girl. To this day, I don't know who she is. I never saw myself as being that big. Either the mirror had been lying to me or I was in such denial that I was completely delusional. So after spending my college years whining over being fat, I decided to change. I stopped making excuses. Those pictures were not just bad angles, my dress was not ruffled wrong and my head wasn't titled poorly. I was fat. So I finally listened to the skinny girl that was trapped inside of me. I decided to work hard, to change, and to live a healthy lifestyle. And even though I still throw myself a pitty party from time to time, I now know how strong I am. And how much I am capable of. I have fought to be where I am today, and I am proud of the body that I have worked for.

And here is a current photo of me. Not a full body shot, but you can still see that I have smaller arms, no double chin and I am extremely happy. 

Okay, so maybe I lied, I grew my mustache back! 

Sad Life

In another post I have discussed the fact that my office is not exactly a diet friendly place. At least once a week there are sugary treats sprawled out by the coffee pots, which happen to be about 10 feet from my desk. Normally I have a good amount of willpower but I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I have more slip-ups than I once did and my weight is definitely reflecting those slip ups, as I have not lost a pound in over 2 months. UGH!

This morning on my way into work I walked past a market that was baking cookies and the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies got me really sad. I wanted a cookie. I wanted to be able to carelessly shove a warm chocolate chip cookie into my mouth and not feel guilty after eating it. But sadly, that is not my life. I have to worry about every single thing that I put into my mouth. So after being sad about my inability to eat cookies, of course today is the day that an extravagant amount of treats are set out in the office. And my willpower is put to the test.

BEHOLD: 

Needless to say, I am not a happy camper. It is taking all of my energy to not shove about 15 cookies into my mouth and wash them down with a doughnut. But instead, I will practice willpower. I will sit at my desk and pretend that cookies taste like sand. Delicious mounds of sand. Instead, while everyone else is eating donuts, I will be eating my breakfast; a bagel thin with fat free butter spray, cinnamon, a small amount of cream cheese, and a banana.

And you may be wondering why I only put a small dab of cream cheese on one half of a bagel thin, and not the whole thing. Well, that is 2 points worth of cream cheese and I am desperately trying to get my weight moving again (preferably moving down and not up). I didn't want to chance it and cover my whole bagel thin with 8 points worth of cream cheese. I am living the dream, I tell ya. 

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been overweight for most of my life. I wasn't an obese child, but I was not slender either. I have been on a 'diet' since the age of 5. I have always had to drink skim milk, avoid fast food, and worry about the size of my belly. I was eating Snack Well's cookies before they were trendy. So you can imagine my frustration when it comes to those people who are naturally thin. Especially when they are naturally thin, eat poorly, don't work out and then judge people who are obese. You are going to sit on your ass, eating candy bars, ice cream, and twinkies and then judge me? Judge the person who is monitoring caloric intake and slaving away at the gym. Have you even seen the inside of a gym? Can you even imagine what it's like to carry around 100 extra pounds? Or even 50 extra pounds?

Now I am not trying to deflect and say that I had no fault in my weight problem. Nor do I despise every single naturally thin person. Slender people who hit the gym at least know what it's like to work hard. And if you are thin but don't judge fat people, I still hate you, but it's an envious sort of hate. I just hope you know how lucky you are.

In any case, I still thought it might be interesting to give a little bit of insight into what it's like to be overweight.

1) Doing squats are harder than you can imagine. Even when using just my body weight and nothing else I have times when I wonder if I am actually going to rise back up or if my knees are going to give out and I will just collapse on the ground.

2) Chub rub. I have rather slender legs in comparison to the rest of my body but if I am wearing a dress on a hot day and have to walk a long distance, the inside of my legs will get a rash from rubbing together, that will eventually turn into scabs. Sounds pleasant, right?

3) When imagining my type of guy, I never imagined a fit, toned or muscular guy. Since I didn't work out, I felt shameful even admitting that muscles were attractive. Now, I want a man who has some muscles!

4) Anytime I order food at a restaurant I always assume that people are judging me. "Should that fat girl really be ordering a plate of french fries? No one wonder she is obese."

5) I always dreamed of becoming skinny but I never actually thought that I would lose weight. I just imagined my life as a fat girl. Not anymore!

6) Anything that involves wearing a swim suit in public is absolutely terrifying.

7) When sitting down in a booth, I worry that I won't fit. Or that the seat will be so close to the table that my boobs will just be resting on top of the table. Great image, huh?

8) Saying no to cake is hard.Watching a skinny girl eat a massive slice of cake is even harder. Listening to the skinny girl complain about being fat while consuming the cake causes me rage.

9) Even now that I have become a beast at the gym (and lost 48 pounds), I still get self-conscious to tell people that I work out because I am bound to get a look of doubt from someone because I am still not completely skinny.

10) I never realized how fat I actually was. Seeing myself in a mirror and in a picture are completely different.

11) I may joke about being fat, but hearing someone else call me fat is absolutely heart breaking.But being called fat for years is what got me to change my life around, and for that, I am grateful.

12) For my whole entire life I have been eating the same foods and amount of food that all of my friends have. But somehow I got fat, and they didn't.

Support=Success

Over the summer I watched a great deal of the show "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition." And to say that I am obsessed is an understatement. I love watching people who are able to fight their demons, and push themselves past their limits because it gives me such inspiration to keep going on my journey. I end up sitting in front of the TV crying because I am so touched by each and every weight loss story. Seriously. Don't judge me, we all have our moments of emotional weakness. Mine just happens to be over a reality show. Okay, maybe you can judge me a little.

Through watching this show and trying to connect it to my own weight loss experience, I have noticed a major theme that contributes to the success or failure of weight loss, and that's support from friends or family. A person can be very motivated to change their unhealthy eating habits, but most of the time an individual is only as strong as their environment. If their spouse, roommate or other family members are still indulging in unhealthy behaviors, the individual trying to lose weight will be more likely to fall back into bad eating/exercising patterns.

In order to lose weight you need to change your current lifestyle. To see results you can't keep eating what you are currently, you have to become more active and you have to really want to change. I have spent my lifetime thinking that I would just one day wake up and be skinny. If obsessing over becoming skinny was actually the way to lose weight, I would be a size 0 by now. But the difference between obsessing 5 years ago and obsessing today is that today, I actually want change and I am actually doing something to change my situation. Now the closest thing to waking up and already being skinny, is waking up and actually wanting to change your life, which of course is what I refer to as the aha moment. Once you have experienced that aha moment, it's time to actually change your behavior and start kicking some ass.

Adopting a healthier lifestyle is completely up to you and you alone, however, having support makes the journey sooooo much easier. I have been on this path to weight loss for the last 11 months and I have found support in places that I never thought I would and I have learned that support can show itself in many ways. For me, the best kind of support has been from the people who encourage me to go to the gym. I have an awesome work out partner who will cart my ass to the gym, and attend the class with me or be willing to try a crazy new class. We don't go together every time, but just having company a few times a week is wonderful and it keeps me honest and motivated.

This type of support can also come in the form of people not discouraging me from attending the gym. Whenever my mom is in town visiting, she knows that going to the gym is part of my routine and she never suggests that I skip it. Normally I would be inclined to skip the gym and hang out with her, but knowing that she wants me to go the gym makes it so much easier to go, get it over with and then hang out. Similarly, at work, if someone asks to go out for a happy hour, the people that I feel the most support from are the ones that accept my absence and don't give me a hard time about going to the gym instead.

The people that I do not feel support from are the people who can't quite relate to being overweight or can't relate to having will power.  My grandma is a very sweet lady, she is kind, generous and loving. The problem with this is that she tends to show her love through food. Ever since I was a young girl, she has been showering me with candy, chips, and desserts. Now that I have grown up, started exercising, and cut out all of the junk food, my grandma expresses how proud she is of me. In one sentence she tells me how proud she is, and the next sentence she is trying to shove cupcakes down my throat. Her justification is that "Oh, you can have just a little bit." This is not support. I did not lose weight by cheating.

The problem with this thinking is that "just a little bit" turns into a lot of little bits, and eventually you stop losing any weight, and possibly even gain weight. Saying that you support someone and actually giving support are two very different things. So in speaking from experience, here are some ways to support someone on their weight loss journey :

1) Never discourage them from going to the gym. Don't ever say: "You can skip the gym tonight, and just go tomorrow."
2) Don't eat someone's favorite food in front of them and say: "Just this once, you can have a little."
3) Don't keep bad food in tempting places. 
4) If they are having a bad day, don't bring them a pastry or some other sort of treat filled with lard. This just encourages emotional eating.
5) Go to the gym with them! Most gyms allow people to bring a guest.
6) Go for a walk, or a run with them. Encourage activity. If your friend is trying to lose weight, instead of catching up over dinner and drinks, suggest going shopping or to a farmers market!
7) If you are also dieting and exercising and want to have a slip-up day, don't bring anyone else down with you!

And if for some reason I am not being clear enough and you are confused on how to support someone, I want this to be the one piece of advice that you take away. 

8) If someone looks thinner or like they have lost weight, TELL THEM!! The best compliment and  the best motivation is when someone asks me if I have lost weight. I get giddy and I am less likely to have a slip up that day.