How I Got To Be This Size

I am about 1 week away from my one year anniversary. One year of dieting, exercising, and losing weight. And because I have been conducting this sort of lifestyle for the last year, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate my next several posts to reflecting upon the last year and what I have learned about dieting, about exercise and about myself. For this post I thought I would reflect on my life before the aha moment occurred. With every major weight loss story, there is also a weight gain story. So after a year of reflecting on why I spent at least a decade struggling with my weight, I have decided to share some insight into my weight gain.

I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I have always loved junk food, and hated exercise. I am naturally lazy and drawn to fatty foods. As a kid I could never wear a two piece bathing suit, or borrow friends clothes. Believe me, I was a chubster. I used to sneak extra pieces of candy and avoid family walks. Pathetic, right? My mom did the best that she could, but I spent weekends with my dad and afternoons with my grandma, and neither of them worried about my eating. They loved me no matter my size. My grandma expressed her love by giving me food. My favorite after school snack that she made was tortilla chips smothered in melted cheese.

At 13 years old I was worried about being fat. I wanted to look like Avril Lavigne, or Hilary Duff. I wanted to be as skinny as the girls that I was watching on the Disney Channel. So in order to lose weight I decided to give up sugar and become more active. I lost some weight, but of course gained it all back the minute I started eating sugar again. And so I spent the next 5 years being lazy and overweight. Like most teenage girls, I thought I could starve myself, but after one day of not eating breakfast I realized that I was not anorexic. This is what I looked like when I graduated high school in May, 2007: helloooo double chin!

This was when I started college in September, 2007: 

Shortly after this photo was taken I joined a gym as an attempt to lose weight and tone up. I wanted a new beginning. During this time I didn't really change my eating, nor did I monitor my eating, yet I was still able to lose 20 pounds in about 4 months. I think the fact that I wasn't consuming alcohol may have helped the weight come off. After losing the 20 pounds, this was what I looked like on January 1st, 2008 (freshmen in college). Notice that the double chin is gone, and I have quite the sexy jawline forming.

Once summer came along, I moved home and took a job as a nanny.  I figured this would keep me active enough to keep the weight off. Boy, was I wrong. As a nanny I may have been active, but instead of planning meals around my own cravings, I was now planning meals according to the kid's cravings. I shifted from eating a veggie sandwich for lunch, to eating mac and cheese with tater tots. The family that I was caring for did not believe in left overs, so to avoid waste I usually ended up finishing off what was left. I also began eating more frequently, having to plan twice a day snack times. As I am sure you can guess I gained weight over the summer. I didn't gain all 20 pounds back but at the end of summer my shorts were definitely having some trouble staying buttoned.

When I went back to school that fall, I did not hit up the gym again, nor did I change my new eating habits. I kept on traveling down the road of junk food and large portions. Slowly over time I stopped caring about anything that I put into my mouth. And slowly over time I started packing on the pounds. This picture is January 1st, 2009 (sophomore in college), just a year later. The double chin is creeping back, and I definitely lost that sexy jawline.

As a college student, I knew that my eating habits were not the best, but I was eating and drinking at the same rate as my peers. The only problem was that I was gaining weight at triple the speed that any of them were. I always felt alone. I never had someone in my life that struggled as much as I did. My friends could eat a whole frozen pizza, why couldn't I? Why was I the fat one in the group? I think my roommate loved (and still loves) food more than I did, but somehow she weighed at least 80 pounds lighter than me. It just didn't seem fair.

 

 

 Left: Fall 2009 (junior in college).


 Right: December 24, 2009.












All throughout college I kept shoveling unhealthy foods into my mouth. In my senior year of college I would regularly consume a bag of chips, bagels, mac and cheese, frozen pizzas, and probably the most detrimental thing of all, alcohol. I had just turned 21 and I took full advantage of my legal drinking rights. And at that point in my life I was drinking vodka drinks with sprite and grenadine. Or gin with cranberry juice. Talk about sugar rush in a glass. Here are some photos of me in my senior year, spring 2011. Ignore the mustache, I have shaved it off since this picture!

I was big and getting bigger. I am sure that I was gaining weight with every passing week. Yet, I still did not have an aha moment, even when I looked at these photos. I convinced myself that it was just a bad angle. That my dress was ruffled the wrong way, or that I was tilting my head in a way that made me face look large. I was in denial, so I kept eating. I was sad about being the fat friend, so I binged. No one around me was dieting, so I didn't either. However I don't think that I really knew how big that I was getting. I stopped wearing jeans in my sophomore year. I started wearing dresses and leggings. So to this day, I don't know what my largest pant size was, but if I had to guess I would say a 20 or 22.

After I graduated college I got a new job (the same job that I have today) and my eating got even worse. I know what you must be thinking: "her eating could really get worse than chips, pizza and mac and cheese?" Oh yes, it could. On top of those unhealthy foods that I was woofing down, I added office treats. You know those treats that I complain about in this post and this post? Yep, I was eating those, which explains the vendetta that I have against them now. Eating a cookie became a normal part of my day. And the dinners that I made were large, and rarely included a vegetable. So after 2 months of eating poorly, and being very inactive, I finally had my aha moment. I saw a picture that changed my entire life. This has to be more than a double chin, possibly even the start of a triple chin? Gross.

I did not recognize this girl. To this day, I don't know who she is. I never saw myself as being that big. Either the mirror had been lying to me or I was in such denial that I was completely delusional. So after spending my college years whining over being fat, I decided to change. I stopped making excuses. Those pictures were not just bad angles, my dress was not ruffled wrong and my head wasn't titled poorly. I was fat. So I finally listened to the skinny girl that was trapped inside of me. I decided to work hard, to change, and to live a healthy lifestyle. And even though I still throw myself a pitty party from time to time, I now know how strong I am. And how much I am capable of. I have fought to be where I am today, and I am proud of the body that I have worked for.

And here is a current photo of me. Not a full body shot, but you can still see that I have smaller arms, no double chin and I am extremely happy. 

Okay, so maybe I lied, I grew my mustache back!