Sometimes I Like to Vent.

I really hate to rant about weight loss. I don't want this blog to turn into someplace that I just complain and whine. But then I remember that I am blogging as a way to keep a journal for myself. When I finally reach my goal weight, I want to remember how hard I fought to get here. I want to remember the frustration, so I do not let myself slip back into fattyville.

I also think it's good to vent about the frustrations of weight loss, so other people know how hard it actually is. I really hate envy reading the weight loss blogs where everything seems so easy. I am envious of the people who cut out carbs and lose 10 pounds. I am even more angrily envious of the girls who have been lifting weights for 3 weeks and can already see their muscle definition.

Those type of weight loss stories really irritate me because it's not that easy for everyone. If I cut out carbs, my weight barely moves. I have been lifting weights for over a year and my fat is still covering up all the muscle that I have built.

Now I realize that everyone's weight loss path is different. Though some people might be able to cut out carbs and see results, they probably have other areas that cause them an equal amount of frustration.

However, I am currently very angry, so in an attempt to keep it real, I am going to spend the remainder of this post rambling and ranting. Feel free to tune out now.

Weight loss is by far the hardest, most emotionally draining journey that I have ever been on. Getting my college degree was not even as emotionally taxing. Because in college if I studied, and did what I was suppose to, I got my desired results. If I eat clean, and work out, I might lose half a pound. Maybe.

When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was at 177.4. And I was actually really upset to see that number. I had given up carbs all week, and I ate an extremely clean diet. I was really hoping to get back to 176 after my vacation. My roommate, who also went on vacation with me, only went to the gym 3 times last week, ate carbs, and pizza, and beer. Yet she managed to lose another pound.

I wanted to be happy for her, because honestly she is looking really skinny and toned. But I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity. I cried the entire way home from the gym.

And instead of getting my ass in gear, I decided to cover up my emotions with food and drinks all weekend. I drank cocktails that had pineapple juice and cream of coconut. I ate lots of noodles, pancakes, and worst of all, I went to a Chinese buffet. I also thought it was a great plan to make a drunken stop at my local gas station and pick up some chips and breakfast sandwiches.

I know that I deserved to gain weight. I know that I cannot eat like that and expect any sort of good outcome. However I am stuck in the vicious circle of emotional eating. I have been in a plateau for almost 2 months. Because I am getting so fucking frustrated with my weight plateauing, I eat. When I try really hard, have great willpower, and still don't see results, I eat a shit ton.

When I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers today, I weighed in at 182.2. I was devastated. I wanted to crumple up into a heap on the floor and sob. But I felt so numb that I didn't even know how to react. I knew that I had no one else to blame but myself.

Even though I know I deserved to gain some weight, I still get so caught up in hating the card I was dealt. Why can't I have a faster metabolism? Why can't I eat how all of my friends do? I think that has been the hardest part of this whole journey. Acceptance. I just can't accept that I have to work harder to remain thinner. I try really hard to accept it and move on, but it's a constant struggle. I am an emotional basket case, all the time. I am serious when I say that weight loss is by far the most emotionally draining process that I have ever been through.

I weighed myself at the gym tonight and the scale said 180. So not as bad as it was earlier today, but still not exactly where I want to be. That still means I gained 3 pounds. In one weekend. Yikes. I am hoping that it will move back down to 177 by Friday. I always retain some water after drinking on the weekend.

So in an effort to avoid emotionally eating all week, I am going to let this serve as a wake up call for me. I am going to try and kick some major ass this week. I just got back from the gym and I will say that I think I have finally reconnected with my love for fitness.

I was finding everything to be really motivating. While I was stretching, there was a girl next to me who was counting under her breath the number of seconds on her plank. I found it inspiring to see her working so hard. I also found the women's locker room to be inspiring. Mind out of the gutter, sickos. It was just that every girl that walked in was sweating, breathing heavy, and clearly had worked hard. I just need to keep up this positive attitude and maybe I will finally see a number that I like by Friday. Fingers crossed.

12 Days Off

I recently went to St. Thomas, USVI for a week of vacation. My step brother got married, and everything about the trip was just perfect. Day drinking, daily beach bumming, sun, rum, etc. Prior to going on vacation I felt a cold coming on, so I ended up avoiding the gym for 12 whole days.

Before the trip I had made the decision to eat and drink whatever I wanted. And I had no plans of working out, other than swimming and walking. I wanted to fully relax, and not be so obsessed with calories, and fitness. Can you blame me? Who wants to count calories while trying to relax?

When arriving on the beach, the first drink I ordered was a rum and diet. And that was probably the last sensible drink that I ordered. After that I was drinking rum punches, painkillers, pina coladas, and any other blended drink filled with fat and sugar.

Well, I take that back. I brought crystal light drink mix on the trip, so every time I would make my own drink, I would use crystal light. Side note: rum and raspberry lemonade crystal light is real good.

Anytime I was at a restaurant or a bar I would order a rum punch or a painkiller. No diet anything. A painkiller is to die for. It's rum with pineapple juice, orange juice, and cream of coconut. My new sister-in-law was smart enough to concoct a painkiller made with mango rum, and blended. It was so damn tasty. I want one right now.

As far as my eating goes, I ate alright. I didn't eat the best foods, but I also didn't binge. Basically I just didn't worry about food. On a daily basis food is constantly on my mind. Constantly.

After breakfast, I am thinking about what I can eat for a snack. At the gym I am thinking about what I can eat for dinner. When I am stressed I am thinking about what sort of skinny sweet treat I can shove into my mouth.

On vacation I didn't stress about food at all. I would eat eggs in the morning, and make a drink. Then I would basically just eat when I was hungry. Not a new concept, I know. Sometimes I would just eat a banana and peanut butter, other times I would eat healthy pop popcorn, but sometimes I would eat french fries or fried pickles.

Another side note: Hooters has the best deep fried pickles. They are sooooo good.

I thought for sure that I would gain weight, and I didn't care. I wrote about my success in this post, but then I went back up in weight. Awesome. So before leaving for my trip I was dancing in between 179 and 180.

I wasn't going to weigh myself for like a week after vacation. Unfortunately to get some reimbursement from my insurance for Weight Watchers, I have to weigh in a certain number of times each month and I had already missed the Monday during my vacation. So....I was forced to see my weight, a day after my vacation....

And I was actually 179! Woo! And on Tuesday at the gym I was 177! Double woo! I have no idea how I pulled that off. Maybe for once my metabolism doesn't completely hate me.

It also could be my stress level. I was blissfully happy while on vacation. I didn't care about anything. So even though I ate things that were deep fried, maybe it helped that I didn't stress over anything. Who knows.

On a separate note, this was the first vacation that I have ever been on when I didn't feel self conscious. I'm still not at my goal weight, but I never felt embarrassed to be in my swim suit. I never once hated my body. Which felt incredible. It made all my hard work feel like it was worth it! And it gave me motivation to keep going on my journey!

 

I would have never ever before suggested to get my photo taken on a beach, but I actually initiated both of these photos! And I am so glad to have these memories. I mean I wish that I could be rocking a bikini, but I am going to focus on the small triumphs instead!  

One last thought; jumping back into my diet life and exercise wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I gave up carbs for the week, with the exception of fruit. I have also been back at the gym and don't feel like I took too much time off.

Liebster Award

I have seen a few bloggers that have been nominated for the Liebster Award. But for the life of me I cannot figure out what a Liebster Award is. I googled,  I looked at other blogs, but I cannot figure out what it means. Is it a contest? Is there a winner?

Even though I am not exactly sure what a Liebster Award is, I am still blown away by the fact that someone even thought to nominate me. I'm just humbled that someone other than my mother reads this blog, but Kay from Best Intentions is kind enough to read, and nominate me!

Apparently, there are rules for this:

1. The nominee must list 11 facts about themselves
2. The nominee must answer the 11 questions asked by the nominator
3. The nominee must nominate 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers

My 11 random facts: 

1. An espresso drink from Starbucks is like my form of crack. I'll drink coffee, but a specialty espresso drink from Starbucks can take a bad day and instantly make it a good day. My current favorite is a skinny cinnamon dolce latte.
2. I have a girl crush on Kesha. If I could be someone else for a day, it would be her.
3. And just like Kesha, I love glitter. No matter what purse I am carrying for the day, you can always find a container of glitter in it.
4. And you can almost always find a half eaten protein bar in my purse. I love protein bars, for me it's like eating a candy bar.
5. I have a slight addiction to peanut butter. I can eat an entire jar within like 10 days.
6. My cocktail of choice is a margarita. But when I am out at a bar, and it's too hard to make it skinny, I will usually chose a rum and diet, or lately a whiskey and diet.
7. My dad's side of the family is outrageously athletic, and competitive. I am neither of these things, I play games to have fun. I could care less if I win or lose.
8. I hate Minnesota, even though I was born and raised here, it's just too cold. I want to move, but the question is where. I don't know.
9. I have been a vegetarian for nearly 7 years, and I have no plans of ever eating meat again.
10. Baseball is my favorite sport, and the Texas Rangers are my favorite team.
11. I keep a container of fat free cool whip in my freezer, and eat a spoonful whenever I have a sweet craving.

And here are the 11 questions that Kay had:
1. What was the first blog you started reading? Young House Love
2. If you were another person, why would you be friends with you? Because I like to party hardy!
3. What's the story behind your name? My mom and dad could not decide, my dad wanted Rebecca, but my mother had never met someone that she did not like with the name Nadine, so they compromised and my name is Nadine Rebecca.
4. If you had an unlimited budget and could travel anywhere for 1 week, where would you go? Greece
5. Do you have a special talent? I can doodle really well. I am not a great artist, but give me a piece of paper and a pen, and I can doodle all day.
6. What is your favorite TV show? Currently I am in love with The Mindy Project, but I love Castle or anything on ABC for that matter.
7. Most embarrassing moment? I really cannot think of one. I don't get embarrassed too easily, I have very little shame.
8. What's hidden under you bed? Lots of clothes and purses. 
9. Describe the last dream you remember having. Last night I had a dream that someone was forcing me to get a tattoo. Random, I know. It's not that I am against tattoos, I am just a really indecisive person, I would never be able to decide on what to get.
10. What is the next planned event you're looking forward to? I leave for St. Thomas, USVI on Saturday!!!! My step brother is getting married, and I get to spend a whole week partying in paradise!
11. What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you? Last year I had a dentist appt, but before I went I had gotten my car towed. Then I found out that I had to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled, and that I had a mouth full of cavities. It was the worst day that I have had in a long time. My roommate went out and bought tiramisu (my favorite), and gave me wine, and a big hug when I got home. It's the little things, really.

My 11 questions for other people: 
1. What is your favorite blog to read?
2. What's your biggest fear?
3. If you could trade places with anyone for a day, who would it be?
4. Books or movies?
5. Why did you start blogging?
6. What is your idea of the perfect day?
7. Spring or Fall?
8. What's your favorite alcoholic cocktail?
9. Do you crave sweet or savory things?
10. What is your ultimate career goal?
11. Where do you live? And do you like living there?

And my 11 8 choices are: 
1. Fueled and Aflame
2. Just Jenn
3. Life By Nadine Lynn
4. One Way Ticket To Onederland
5. Is This Thing On?
6. The Skinniest Ocegueda
7. A Step in the Right Direction
8. Shelly No Belly

I had to stop at 8 because the rest of the blogs that I love have more than 200 followers. They are all famous and such!

Additionally, I doubt that any of these people will actually see that I have nominated them, but I did it anyway!

It Finally Happened

I have been driving myself absolutely crazy waiting for the scale to move. Every time I would step on the scale I would see nearly the same thing:

179.2
178.8
178.6
179.1
178.5
178.6

Every.Single.Time. For a month. And I was eating so damn well. I know that I should expect plateaus but even when I hit them, it's still so frustrating.

I was losing all my ambition to work out. Instead of being excited for the gym, I was feeling dread. Part of that could be due to the obscenely cold weather that Minnesota provides. It's not obscene by Minnesota standards, just my own. Knowing that I have to scrap ice off of my car, and wait for it to warm up, just to go to the gym, is very discouraging.

I was also starting to lose all dedication to eating well. I even allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted last weekend. And I was planning to eat a nutty bar this weekend. Don't ask why. I get really weird cravings from time to time. And no, I am not pregnant.

I bet that I have not had a nutty bar in over 7 years, but for some reason I suddenly wanted one. Last week I was craving goldfish, another thing that I have not had in years. I don't know why I suddenly start craving things, maybe it's sly marketing that subconsciously gets into my brain.

And in order to avoid uncontrolled binging, I set myself a date for when I can eat something. That way I feel more in control and I have spent days deciding if it's worth the calories.

Anyway, my weight plateau was driving me up the wall, and I was starting to lose my mind. I am just so sick of tracking every thing I eat. I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. I eat for fuel. I no longer eat empty calories. I just hate, HATE having to second guess everything. And write everything down. By having to track every single thing, I don't feel like I am living a lifestyle, I feel like I am chained to a diet.

So, after weeks of just wanting to see the scale move, it finally happened last night. Finally!

I stepped on the scale, and did not believe what I saw. I stepped off and got back on to double check. 176.6! Holy shit! Two more pounds gone, and 70 pounds total! YES! Finally! Oh my god, it finally happened!

 

Now, it may not stay at this weight. This could have been a complete fluke. But thankyajesus, it finally happened. The scale finally moved!

The only problem is now I have more willpower and I am really doubting my want for a nutty bar. I realize this is not a real problem, it's a first world, dieting problem. But it's hard to be a fat girl in transition. Damn cravings.

Feeling Alone

I think the reason that I love the weight loss blog world is because I feel like I can relate to people. In my real life I don't have anyone that I feel like I can relate with on my food addiction/obesity/binging.

I might not have food addiction, but there is so little research done on this topic that I think it is hard to say. I also might not officially be classified as a binger, but I am pretty damn close. The only thing that I can say for sure is that I was classified as obese.

In any case, I do not have anyone in my life that struggles as much as I do. I feel completely alone. A lot. And I feel people don't always take me seriously in how much I struggle. When I feel taunted by the smell of pizza, I think people think I am being over dramatic.

When I say that I need to attend the gym instead of going shopping after work, people think that I am just trying to blow them off.

I know the people around me get sick of my never ending whining about being fat. Because it has been a month since the scale has moved, I am so fucking frustrated right now. So my whining has gotten even worse. And I feel like I am going completely insane.

I am trying everything that I can think of. This past weekend I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I mean, I did not binge, but I did buy a frozen pizza, which I have not done in ages. I preplanned to eat fatty things.

It was not out of control binging and it is not something that I regret. I was even okay with gaining a pound or two because I was hoping that it was shock my metabolism into doing something. I just want to see the scale move again.

I currently just feel really defeated. And alone. I am struggling to remain sane. So in this moment I am going to try and focus on some non-scale victories. I do not want to fall into a slump.

1) Last night I was in a High Intensity Interval Training class, which is then followed by a Circuit class. It is hard work. The class started with around 30 people and only 12 remained at the end. It felt awesome to be one of those 12 people. To know that I have the endurance to make it through such a tough class was a really rewarding feeling.

2) Even though I ate really fatty things this weekend, I started out Monday morning eating healthy. It's soooo wonderful to know that I can have days where I eat poorly but I can wake up the next morning and jump right back into the healthy eating lifestyle. I honestly never thought that I would make it to this point in my life. I always thought that I would be a binge eater, but I am not.
 
So, now I am going to try my best to remain positive, and continue to work hard. And I really hope to see the scale moving again. Maybe I can try sweet talking the scale, beg, and plead with it!

Beyond Frustrated

I have wrote about hitting a weight plateau before. The first one I hit was here, and the next one was here. I have hit many plateaus but those 2 were the longest, most frustrating plateaus. And I never wanted to hit another one. But such is life, and I have not dropped weight in about 4 weeks. I am ready to starve myself until I feel like fainting and then eat a cube of cheese. Seriously.

December was great. I dropped weight so fast. Like almost 10 pounds. I am sure this correlates with that fact that I drank very infrequently in December. Stupid alcohol keeps me fat. But I am not going to give it up. I love to party. Everything in moderation, right?

I barely remember being in the 180s. I remember being 187lbs but then very quickly I moved to 181, and then 179. Then I wavered between 181 and 179. Then 181 and 178. You get the picture. I am currently at 178lbs. And the scale will not move down.

My weight is just taunting me. I feel like I can hear a voice saying "how bad do you want it, bitch." It always happens when I am excited about hitting a goal. When I just wanted to be out of the 200s, I lingered around 200 for over a month!

Then I wanted to hit 55 pounds gone for my one year weight loss anniversary but I danced around 54 pounds for weeks. This time I just want to hit 70 pounds gone, which will happen when I hit 176lb, 2 more to go.

The most frustrating part is that my eating has been so damn clean. I was tracking all of my points, until about 10 days ago. I wanted to see if I could eat intuitively and possibly shock my system into dropping some lbs. No such luck.

I eat healthy fats in moderation. I eat a protein heavy diet, but not enough to make me bulk. I make sure that I get 25 grams of fiber. I chug water, constantly. I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I go hard at the gym, and lift weights 3 times a week. I barely eat out, and when I do I avoid fried foods. I avoid sugar. I eat 3 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit a day.

It now just comes intuitively, I feel like I am living such a healthy lifestyle. Yet my body is not giving me the results that I want. And I feel so chained to WW or counting calories or keeping a food journal.

Now, I know that peole would tell me to give up the drinking. But I have drank throughout my whole weight loss process, so I know it can be done. And I count my drinks in with my WW points!

So, what can I do differently?

I could give up drinking beer. The problem is that beer is a good option for me, it doesn't get me toooo drunk. It just kinda keeps me buzzing.

I could also change up my gym routine, which I plan to do. My favorite instructor is having surgery and will be out for 6 weeks. I am really upset but it will make me change up my work-out routine. By pushing my body out of it's normal comfort zone I am hoping to accomplish more of a calorie burn!

And just to keep myself motivated, I will now reflect on how far that I have come and know how much I am capable of. Ignore how heinous that I look in these photos. I do not look good after getting home from the gym, and I will never understand girls who do:

Left side: April 2012-226 pounds 

Right side: December 2012- 180 pounds

Sore but not Sorry

I highly enjoy weight training. I try to trick myself into loving cardio, but I have a lot of days when I just don't feel like moving around at a fast pace. But I do really enjoy picking up heavy things and waving them over my head.

When you first start weight training it's expected to be sore. Like really sore. Like can barely get out of bed sore. After the first time that I did lunges I thought I was going to cry from the pain.

Since I have been weight training for over a year I don't feel extreme soreness anymore. I mean, I have times when I have slight soreness, or limited range of motion but I have not had a time when I felt so sore that I could not move. Until today.

On Wednesday I went to my usual weight lifting class. It's the class that I go to every week, but she varies up the exercises every week, so you really never know which muscles you will be training. This week she had us doing plie squats. Pulsing the squat, adding weight to the squat, and then adding even more weight to the squat.

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Just when I thought that my legs were going to give out, she had us speed up the squat, so we were almost doing kettle bell swings. I was using a 20 pound weight, and at the time I did not feel too much of a burn. But on Thursday my inner thighs were yelling.

Then I apparently thought it was a good idea to try running, and the stair stepper. After that I decided to meet my mother at the mall, and we walked, and walked, and walked. Needless to say my legs are yelling even louder today.

I have not been this sore in sooo long. Like I have to hover over the toilet, and then just sort of fall to sit down. And every time I try to stand up from my chair I have to contain the urge to wince. It's a good pain. And I am not sorry that I am sore. I think it's good to know that I still have muscles that need to be worked. And worked hard!