Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been overweight for most of my life. I wasn't an obese child, but I was not slender either. I have been on a 'diet' since the age of 5. I have always had to drink skim milk, avoid fast food, and worry about the size of my belly. I was eating Snack Well's cookies before they were trendy. So you can imagine my frustration when it comes to those people who are naturally thin. Especially when they are naturally thin, eat poorly, don't work out and then judge people who are obese. You are going to sit on your ass, eating candy bars, ice cream, and twinkies and then judge me? Judge the person who is monitoring caloric intake and slaving away at the gym. Have you even seen the inside of a gym? Can you even imagine what it's like to carry around 100 extra pounds? Or even 50 extra pounds?

Now I am not trying to deflect and say that I had no fault in my weight problem. Nor do I despise every single naturally thin person. Slender people who hit the gym at least know what it's like to work hard. And if you are thin but don't judge fat people, I still hate you, but it's an envious sort of hate. I just hope you know how lucky you are.

In any case, I still thought it might be interesting to give a little bit of insight into what it's like to be overweight.

1) Doing squats are harder than you can imagine. Even when using just my body weight and nothing else I have times when I wonder if I am actually going to rise back up or if my knees are going to give out and I will just collapse on the ground.

2) Chub rub. I have rather slender legs in comparison to the rest of my body but if I am wearing a dress on a hot day and have to walk a long distance, the inside of my legs will get a rash from rubbing together, that will eventually turn into scabs. Sounds pleasant, right?

3) When imagining my type of guy, I never imagined a fit, toned or muscular guy. Since I didn't work out, I felt shameful even admitting that muscles were attractive. Now, I want a man who has some muscles!

4) Anytime I order food at a restaurant I always assume that people are judging me. "Should that fat girl really be ordering a plate of french fries? No one wonder she is obese."

5) I always dreamed of becoming skinny but I never actually thought that I would lose weight. I just imagined my life as a fat girl. Not anymore!

6) Anything that involves wearing a swim suit in public is absolutely terrifying.

7) When sitting down in a booth, I worry that I won't fit. Or that the seat will be so close to the table that my boobs will just be resting on top of the table. Great image, huh?

8) Saying no to cake is hard.Watching a skinny girl eat a massive slice of cake is even harder. Listening to the skinny girl complain about being fat while consuming the cake causes me rage.

9) Even now that I have become a beast at the gym (and lost 48 pounds), I still get self-conscious to tell people that I work out because I am bound to get a look of doubt from someone because I am still not completely skinny.

10) I never realized how fat I actually was. Seeing myself in a mirror and in a picture are completely different.

11) I may joke about being fat, but hearing someone else call me fat is absolutely heart breaking.But being called fat for years is what got me to change my life around, and for that, I am grateful.

12) For my whole entire life I have been eating the same foods and amount of food that all of my friends have. But somehow I got fat, and they didn't.