It Was Worth It.

Here I am today.
A year later.
54 pounds lighter.
Down 3 cup size.
Stronger than I was a year ago.
Stronger than I was yesterday;
Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. 

And after completing a whole year of dieting, exercise, and moderation,
I can honestly tell you that it was worth it. Every single minute of it.
It was worth every single squat, lunge, plié, and dead lift.
It was worth every cookie that I didn't consume and every happy hour that I skipped.
It was worth every minute spent on a boring elliptical machine when I could have been on the couch.
It was worth it. 
It was worth working through every weight plateau.
It was worth every workout that I finished when I wanted to skip it instead.
It was worth every bowl of vegetables that I ate instead of ice cream.
It was worth it.
It was worth every workout that I wanted to walk out of but stayed because I don't quit.
It was worth all of the times that I was so sore I could barely get out of bed.
It was worth every drop of sweat and every heavy breath.
It was worth it.
It was worth every time that I felt like I was going to puke. Or pass out.
It was worth every tear that I cried when I felt like I couldn't do it.
It was worth every dollar that I spent on gym clothes, a gym pass and healthy foods.
It was worth the perseverance that it took to get me where I am today.
It was worth it.
It was so worth it.

It was worth it because I can fit into clothes that I haven't worn in 4 years.
Because I can run just a little bit further than I could last week.
Because the number on the scale keeps moving down and the number on my dumbbells keeps moving up.
It was worth it because I have gained self confidence.
Because I am proud of the body that I worked for, not the body I was born with.
Because I love photos that are taken of me instead of being critical of every photo.
It was worth it because now I love looking in the mirror.
I love seeing my body change with every passing day.
It was worth it because I worked my ass off and got results.
Because I no longer have fat girl arms.
Because now I have self control.
Because my body can do things that I never thought I would be capable of.
It was worth it because I am living a healthy, and happy lifestyle and I never want to go back.
It was worth it because today I look like this:

And not that:

Now and Then

As I stated in this post, I am a week away from my one year anniversary of adopting a healthier lifestyle. The biggest challenge for me was definitely changing my eating. I love all foods that are bad for me. So I wanted to take a look into some of the foods that I was eating a year ago, compared to what I am eating today.

A veggie burger for dinner: 

Then: A heaping plate full of tater tots dipped in ranch dressing accompanied by a veggie burger, with cheese, a bun, mayo and ketchup.
Estimated amount of WW points: 30-32
Estimated amount of calories: 850-870

Now: Sweet potato tots (counted out to reach the exact portion size) dipped in ketchup, veggie burger without a bun and cheese, and a pile of broccoli.
WW points: 7-8
Calories: 260-280

Pizza at home: 

Then: 3/4 (sometimes a whole) of a frozen cheese pizza, with ranch dressing drizzled on top. 

WW points: 24-30 

Calories 840-990

Now: If I am craving pizza I will use 1 whole wheat tortilla topped with spaghetti sauce, veggies, low fat cheese, and hot sauce drizzled on top. 

WW points: 8-9 

Calories: 260-280

Bagels:

Then: 2-3 bagels a day. My roommate used to work at Panera Bread and would bring home bags full of left over bagels every night. No wonder I got fat, right? 

WW points: 18-27

Calories: 660-990

Now: 1 bagel thin, maybe 2-3 a week. 

WW points: 3

Calories: 110

 Burrito: 

Then: A burrito with tortilla, rice, black beans, queso, cheese, and guacamole.
WW points: 28-31
Calories: 1,000-1,240

Now: A burrito bowl with no tortilla, no cheese, no queso, a small drizzle of sour cream, sometimes rice but usually no rice.
WW points: 12-13
Calories: 460-555

Egg Sandwich:

Then: To make an egg sandwich I would use a bagel, a slice of cheese, slices of avocado topped with ranch dressing. Before I knew much about healthy foods, I thought I should cut out fat from my sandwich by removing the avocado but keeping the ranch. 

WW points: 18

Calories: 670-690

Now: I realize the value of avocado and the benefit of having good fats in your diet. Now if I make an egg sandwich it consists of a bagel thin or a tortilla, with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese spread, egg whites, and slices of avocado.
WW points: 7
Calories: 275

However, most of the time when I am eating eggs I do not make a sandwich. I usually eat egg white, with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and slices of avocado.
WW points: 4
Calories: 145

Coffee Drinks: 

Then: A grande pumpkin spice latte or white chocolate mocha made with skim milk and no whip from Starbucks. I was at least smart enough to know to get skim milk and no whip!

WW points: 7 or 10

Calories: 260 or 350

With whip and 2% milk. 

WW points: 10 or 13 

Calories: 380 or 470

Now: A grande skinny vanilla or caramel latte from Starbucks
WW points: 3
Calories: 120


Doing this post was absolutely shocking. I bet that I was easily consuming 2,500 calories in a day. Yikes!! As you can see, my eating has definitely shaped up. I have cut down on my carbs, I have started monitoring and measuring out portion sizes, and I have eliminated ranch dressing from my life.  Ranch used to be a fairly regular part of my diet but we had to break up. I still love ranch dressing with my whole heart, but I have realized that my relationship with ranch was very unhealthy. Another thing that I had to break up with but I am still in love with; coffee drinks. I love a white chocolate mocha or a pumpkin spice latte or a salted caramel mocha. However when I only have 30 points in a day, I cannot justify using 10 of them on a coffee. Alas, sugary coffee drinks have been eliminated.

As sad as I am about not consuming ranch, pizza, and sugar love in a cup, I am so much happier at the thought of the number on the scale going down!

How I Got To Be This Size

I am about 1 week away from my one year anniversary. One year of dieting, exercising, and losing weight. And because I have been conducting this sort of lifestyle for the last year, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate my next several posts to reflecting upon the last year and what I have learned about dieting, about exercise and about myself. For this post I thought I would reflect on my life before the aha moment occurred. With every major weight loss story, there is also a weight gain story. So after a year of reflecting on why I spent at least a decade struggling with my weight, I have decided to share some insight into my weight gain.

I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I have always loved junk food, and hated exercise. I am naturally lazy and drawn to fatty foods. As a kid I could never wear a two piece bathing suit, or borrow friends clothes. Believe me, I was a chubster. I used to sneak extra pieces of candy and avoid family walks. Pathetic, right? My mom did the best that she could, but I spent weekends with my dad and afternoons with my grandma, and neither of them worried about my eating. They loved me no matter my size. My grandma expressed her love by giving me food. My favorite after school snack that she made was tortilla chips smothered in melted cheese.

At 13 years old I was worried about being fat. I wanted to look like Avril Lavigne, or Hilary Duff. I wanted to be as skinny as the girls that I was watching on the Disney Channel. So in order to lose weight I decided to give up sugar and become more active. I lost some weight, but of course gained it all back the minute I started eating sugar again. And so I spent the next 5 years being lazy and overweight. Like most teenage girls, I thought I could starve myself, but after one day of not eating breakfast I realized that I was not anorexic. This is what I looked like when I graduated high school in May, 2007: helloooo double chin!

This was when I started college in September, 2007: 

Shortly after this photo was taken I joined a gym as an attempt to lose weight and tone up. I wanted a new beginning. During this time I didn't really change my eating, nor did I monitor my eating, yet I was still able to lose 20 pounds in about 4 months. I think the fact that I wasn't consuming alcohol may have helped the weight come off. After losing the 20 pounds, this was what I looked like on January 1st, 2008 (freshmen in college). Notice that the double chin is gone, and I have quite the sexy jawline forming.

Once summer came along, I moved home and took a job as a nanny.  I figured this would keep me active enough to keep the weight off. Boy, was I wrong. As a nanny I may have been active, but instead of planning meals around my own cravings, I was now planning meals according to the kid's cravings. I shifted from eating a veggie sandwich for lunch, to eating mac and cheese with tater tots. The family that I was caring for did not believe in left overs, so to avoid waste I usually ended up finishing off what was left. I also began eating more frequently, having to plan twice a day snack times. As I am sure you can guess I gained weight over the summer. I didn't gain all 20 pounds back but at the end of summer my shorts were definitely having some trouble staying buttoned.

When I went back to school that fall, I did not hit up the gym again, nor did I change my new eating habits. I kept on traveling down the road of junk food and large portions. Slowly over time I stopped caring about anything that I put into my mouth. And slowly over time I started packing on the pounds. This picture is January 1st, 2009 (sophomore in college), just a year later. The double chin is creeping back, and I definitely lost that sexy jawline.

As a college student, I knew that my eating habits were not the best, but I was eating and drinking at the same rate as my peers. The only problem was that I was gaining weight at triple the speed that any of them were. I always felt alone. I never had someone in my life that struggled as much as I did. My friends could eat a whole frozen pizza, why couldn't I? Why was I the fat one in the group? I think my roommate loved (and still loves) food more than I did, but somehow she weighed at least 80 pounds lighter than me. It just didn't seem fair.

 

 

 Left: Fall 2009 (junior in college).


 Right: December 24, 2009.












All throughout college I kept shoveling unhealthy foods into my mouth. In my senior year of college I would regularly consume a bag of chips, bagels, mac and cheese, frozen pizzas, and probably the most detrimental thing of all, alcohol. I had just turned 21 and I took full advantage of my legal drinking rights. And at that point in my life I was drinking vodka drinks with sprite and grenadine. Or gin with cranberry juice. Talk about sugar rush in a glass. Here are some photos of me in my senior year, spring 2011. Ignore the mustache, I have shaved it off since this picture!

I was big and getting bigger. I am sure that I was gaining weight with every passing week. Yet, I still did not have an aha moment, even when I looked at these photos. I convinced myself that it was just a bad angle. That my dress was ruffled the wrong way, or that I was tilting my head in a way that made me face look large. I was in denial, so I kept eating. I was sad about being the fat friend, so I binged. No one around me was dieting, so I didn't either. However I don't think that I really knew how big that I was getting. I stopped wearing jeans in my sophomore year. I started wearing dresses and leggings. So to this day, I don't know what my largest pant size was, but if I had to guess I would say a 20 or 22.

After I graduated college I got a new job (the same job that I have today) and my eating got even worse. I know what you must be thinking: "her eating could really get worse than chips, pizza and mac and cheese?" Oh yes, it could. On top of those unhealthy foods that I was woofing down, I added office treats. You know those treats that I complain about in this post and this post? Yep, I was eating those, which explains the vendetta that I have against them now. Eating a cookie became a normal part of my day. And the dinners that I made were large, and rarely included a vegetable. So after 2 months of eating poorly, and being very inactive, I finally had my aha moment. I saw a picture that changed my entire life. This has to be more than a double chin, possibly even the start of a triple chin? Gross.

I did not recognize this girl. To this day, I don't know who she is. I never saw myself as being that big. Either the mirror had been lying to me or I was in such denial that I was completely delusional. So after spending my college years whining over being fat, I decided to change. I stopped making excuses. Those pictures were not just bad angles, my dress was not ruffled wrong and my head wasn't titled poorly. I was fat. So I finally listened to the skinny girl that was trapped inside of me. I decided to work hard, to change, and to live a healthy lifestyle. And even though I still throw myself a pitty party from time to time, I now know how strong I am. And how much I am capable of. I have fought to be where I am today, and I am proud of the body that I have worked for.

And here is a current photo of me. Not a full body shot, but you can still see that I have smaller arms, no double chin and I am extremely happy. 

Okay, so maybe I lied, I grew my mustache back! 

Sad Life

In another post I have discussed the fact that my office is not exactly a diet friendly place. At least once a week there are sugary treats sprawled out by the coffee pots, which happen to be about 10 feet from my desk. Normally I have a good amount of willpower but I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I have more slip-ups than I once did and my weight is definitely reflecting those slip ups, as I have not lost a pound in over 2 months. UGH!

This morning on my way into work I walked past a market that was baking cookies and the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies got me really sad. I wanted a cookie. I wanted to be able to carelessly shove a warm chocolate chip cookie into my mouth and not feel guilty after eating it. But sadly, that is not my life. I have to worry about every single thing that I put into my mouth. So after being sad about my inability to eat cookies, of course today is the day that an extravagant amount of treats are set out in the office. And my willpower is put to the test.

BEHOLD: 

Needless to say, I am not a happy camper. It is taking all of my energy to not shove about 15 cookies into my mouth and wash them down with a doughnut. But instead, I will practice willpower. I will sit at my desk and pretend that cookies taste like sand. Delicious mounds of sand. Instead, while everyone else is eating donuts, I will be eating my breakfast; a bagel thin with fat free butter spray, cinnamon, a small amount of cream cheese, and a banana.

And you may be wondering why I only put a small dab of cream cheese on one half of a bagel thin, and not the whole thing. Well, that is 2 points worth of cream cheese and I am desperately trying to get my weight moving again (preferably moving down and not up). I didn't want to chance it and cover my whole bagel thin with 8 points worth of cream cheese. I am living the dream, I tell ya.