September 4th and October 31st are almost two months away. So you may be wondering why it took 2 months for me to get my ass in gear. Well, this picture did not actually get posted until Halloween. My roommate posted a fall photo album onto facebook and my birthday party was included. And just in case you need a reminder of what my scary/fat photo looked like, here it is:
The whole album was an eye opening experience, because this was not the only bad one. Here are a few more:
Look at the size of those boobs. In the picture below I am trying to hide the cleavage....
Damn, these photos are hard to look at. But it's nice to know that I do not look this way any longer. My boobs have dropped like 4 cup sizes! FOUR!
Anyway, I was thinking back to my 22nd birthday, and I was remembering how insecure I was about myself. For my birthday we went to a dueling piano bar. And at this bar it's common for birthday people to get called to stage, jump on the piano and be serenaded.
I did not want this. I did not want this at all. I thought that everyone in my party was very aware of how much I did not want for this to happen. I was wrong. One of my friends put in a request for me to be called up to stage.
I was livid. I was more than livid. I was terrified, embarrassed, nervous, disgusted, mortified, etc. I was so distressed at the thought of having to go up on stage and having to hoist myself onto a piano that I started to feel light headed.
I immediately ran to the bathroom to hide. All I kept thinking was that everyone at the bar would have to see me try and hoist my obese body up onto the piano. And I knew that I would fail. That I would not be able to get myself onto this somewhat tall piano. And I was sure that everyone in the bar would be thinking "damn, that girl needs to lose some weight, she can't even lift herself onto a piano."
In reality maybe no one would have been thinking that, but at the time I was so convinced that everyone would be starring at me in disgust. In the bathroom I was starring at myself in disgust. After sitting in the bathroom long enough that my name was called, I emerged, grabbed my roommate, and stormed out of the bar.
I cried myself to sleep that night. I remember feeling so gross about myself. I felt irrational. What kind of person doesn't enjoy some birthday attention? Instead of loving my birthday, I spent the end of the evening feeling overwhelmed, and unhappy with myself.
After my birthday I knew that I needed to change something, but I didn't have the motivation yet. It wasn't until two months later when I saw those photos and remembered that night that I was finally ready. I finally had the motivation that I needed to start.
At one time I loathed the photos that are above. I could barely look at them. I was mad at my roommate for posting them. Why would she post such awful pictures of me? But now I realize that they saved my life. They gave me what I needed. And for that I am grateful.
My journey to a hot bod has not been perfect, far from it. It's been frustrating, intimidating, and a complete emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like giving up, or just staying at my current weight. But seeing those photos and remembering that night gives me another jolt of motivation. I am ready to beat this plateau!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, this year for my 23rd birthday we went back to the dueling piano bar. And I got up on the piano, willingly. I still had some trouble hoisting myself up there, but the difference was that I was no longer embarrassed of the body that I worked so hard to get. Maybe when I turn 24 I will be able to leap up on the piano with agility, I'll keep my fingers crossed!
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