Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been overweight for most of my life. I wasn't an obese child, but I was not slender either. I have been on a 'diet' since the age of 5. I have always had to drink skim milk, avoid fast food, and worry about the size of my belly. I was eating Snack Well's cookies before they were trendy. So you can imagine my frustration when it comes to those people who are naturally thin. Especially when they are naturally thin, eat poorly, don't work out and then judge people who are obese. You are going to sit on your ass, eating candy bars, ice cream, and twinkies and then judge me? Judge the person who is monitoring caloric intake and slaving away at the gym. Have you even seen the inside of a gym? Can you even imagine what it's like to carry around 100 extra pounds? Or even 50 extra pounds?

Now I am not trying to deflect and say that I had no fault in my weight problem. Nor do I despise every single naturally thin person. Slender people who hit the gym at least know what it's like to work hard. And if you are thin but don't judge fat people, I still hate you, but it's an envious sort of hate. I just hope you know how lucky you are.

In any case, I still thought it might be interesting to give a little bit of insight into what it's like to be overweight.

1) Doing squats are harder than you can imagine. Even when using just my body weight and nothing else I have times when I wonder if I am actually going to rise back up or if my knees are going to give out and I will just collapse on the ground.

2) Chub rub. I have rather slender legs in comparison to the rest of my body but if I am wearing a dress on a hot day and have to walk a long distance, the inside of my legs will get a rash from rubbing together, that will eventually turn into scabs. Sounds pleasant, right?

3) When imagining my type of guy, I never imagined a fit, toned or muscular guy. Since I didn't work out, I felt shameful even admitting that muscles were attractive. Now, I want a man who has some muscles!

4) Anytime I order food at a restaurant I always assume that people are judging me. "Should that fat girl really be ordering a plate of french fries? No one wonder she is obese."

5) I always dreamed of becoming skinny but I never actually thought that I would lose weight. I just imagined my life as a fat girl. Not anymore!

6) Anything that involves wearing a swim suit in public is absolutely terrifying.

7) When sitting down in a booth, I worry that I won't fit. Or that the seat will be so close to the table that my boobs will just be resting on top of the table. Great image, huh?

8) Saying no to cake is hard.Watching a skinny girl eat a massive slice of cake is even harder. Listening to the skinny girl complain about being fat while consuming the cake causes me rage.

9) Even now that I have become a beast at the gym (and lost 48 pounds), I still get self-conscious to tell people that I work out because I am bound to get a look of doubt from someone because I am still not completely skinny.

10) I never realized how fat I actually was. Seeing myself in a mirror and in a picture are completely different.

11) I may joke about being fat, but hearing someone else call me fat is absolutely heart breaking.But being called fat for years is what got me to change my life around, and for that, I am grateful.

12) For my whole entire life I have been eating the same foods and amount of food that all of my friends have. But somehow I got fat, and they didn't.

Support=Success

Over the summer I watched a great deal of the show "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition." And to say that I am obsessed is an understatement. I love watching people who are able to fight their demons, and push themselves past their limits because it gives me such inspiration to keep going on my journey. I end up sitting in front of the TV crying because I am so touched by each and every weight loss story. Seriously. Don't judge me, we all have our moments of emotional weakness. Mine just happens to be over a reality show. Okay, maybe you can judge me a little.

Through watching this show and trying to connect it to my own weight loss experience, I have noticed a major theme that contributes to the success or failure of weight loss, and that's support from friends or family. A person can be very motivated to change their unhealthy eating habits, but most of the time an individual is only as strong as their environment. If their spouse, roommate or other family members are still indulging in unhealthy behaviors, the individual trying to lose weight will be more likely to fall back into bad eating/exercising patterns.

In order to lose weight you need to change your current lifestyle. To see results you can't keep eating what you are currently, you have to become more active and you have to really want to change. I have spent my lifetime thinking that I would just one day wake up and be skinny. If obsessing over becoming skinny was actually the way to lose weight, I would be a size 0 by now. But the difference between obsessing 5 years ago and obsessing today is that today, I actually want change and I am actually doing something to change my situation. Now the closest thing to waking up and already being skinny, is waking up and actually wanting to change your life, which of course is what I refer to as the aha moment. Once you have experienced that aha moment, it's time to actually change your behavior and start kicking some ass.

Adopting a healthier lifestyle is completely up to you and you alone, however, having support makes the journey sooooo much easier. I have been on this path to weight loss for the last 11 months and I have found support in places that I never thought I would and I have learned that support can show itself in many ways. For me, the best kind of support has been from the people who encourage me to go to the gym. I have an awesome work out partner who will cart my ass to the gym, and attend the class with me or be willing to try a crazy new class. We don't go together every time, but just having company a few times a week is wonderful and it keeps me honest and motivated.

This type of support can also come in the form of people not discouraging me from attending the gym. Whenever my mom is in town visiting, she knows that going to the gym is part of my routine and she never suggests that I skip it. Normally I would be inclined to skip the gym and hang out with her, but knowing that she wants me to go the gym makes it so much easier to go, get it over with and then hang out. Similarly, at work, if someone asks to go out for a happy hour, the people that I feel the most support from are the ones that accept my absence and don't give me a hard time about going to the gym instead.

The people that I do not feel support from are the people who can't quite relate to being overweight or can't relate to having will power.  My grandma is a very sweet lady, she is kind, generous and loving. The problem with this is that she tends to show her love through food. Ever since I was a young girl, she has been showering me with candy, chips, and desserts. Now that I have grown up, started exercising, and cut out all of the junk food, my grandma expresses how proud she is of me. In one sentence she tells me how proud she is, and the next sentence she is trying to shove cupcakes down my throat. Her justification is that "Oh, you can have just a little bit." This is not support. I did not lose weight by cheating.

The problem with this thinking is that "just a little bit" turns into a lot of little bits, and eventually you stop losing any weight, and possibly even gain weight. Saying that you support someone and actually giving support are two very different things. So in speaking from experience, here are some ways to support someone on their weight loss journey :

1) Never discourage them from going to the gym. Don't ever say: "You can skip the gym tonight, and just go tomorrow."
2) Don't eat someone's favorite food in front of them and say: "Just this once, you can have a little."
3) Don't keep bad food in tempting places. 
4) If they are having a bad day, don't bring them a pastry or some other sort of treat filled with lard. This just encourages emotional eating.
5) Go to the gym with them! Most gyms allow people to bring a guest.
6) Go for a walk, or a run with them. Encourage activity. If your friend is trying to lose weight, instead of catching up over dinner and drinks, suggest going shopping or to a farmers market!
7) If you are also dieting and exercising and want to have a slip-up day, don't bring anyone else down with you!

And if for some reason I am not being clear enough and you are confused on how to support someone, I want this to be the one piece of advice that you take away. 

8) If someone looks thinner or like they have lost weight, TELL THEM!! The best compliment and  the best motivation is when someone asks me if I have lost weight. I get giddy and I am less likely to have a slip up that day.

Will I Be Dieting Forever?

My journey to my perfect weight has been a very turbulent and sometimes a very frustrating ride. Since joining Weight Watchers in April, my weight has consistently been dropping. Stepping onto the scale was exciting because I knew that I was only going to be dropping in weight. And then the month of August hit. This month has not been very kind to me, or rather I have not been kind to myself in the month of August. I started the month weighing the exact same thing that I do today. In fact, in mid-July I weighed less than I do now. When summer started I thought that I would finally hit the 50 pound weight loss mark by my birthday (September 4th). However, I am currently at 44 pounds gone, so unless I starve myself and take laxatives for the next 4 days, I don't see the 50 pound weight loss goal happening. Although, I have to stop and remember that 44 pounds lost is still pretty awesome.

So now is the time when I need to reflect on the past month and figure out why my weight is standing still. My exercise routine has not changed at all, so I know that this weight plateau is 100% to blame on the mounds of unhealthy foods that I have been shoveling into my pie hole. I have been so so so bad about tracking my WW points.  The minute I stopped tracking what I was consuming, I stopped thinking about what I was eating. I am guessing that this all started the first weekend in August when I went on a camping trip. I tried my hardest to eat healthily while camping but of course I indulged in a s'more. Or five. And the minute I allowed myself to stray away from my diet, I went on an all out binge. Okay, that's not true, but for the month of August I really allowed myself to eat more liberally than I had been in recent months.

I went out to eat a lot more than I did before. And instead of getting a veggie burger with a side salad, I found myself ordering a side of sweet potato fries. For the past few months I have avoided work parties and any sort of treats that were hanging around our office, but for some reason this month I had no self control. I am usually good at saying no to parties, but this month I went to every last work event. And because I attended all of these parties, I indulged in desserts, which is odd because I don't usually have a strong sweet teeth. But the minute I have one sweet thing, I want any sort of sweet that I can get my hands on. Lastly, I consumed A TON of pizza. Well, I had 3 different times this month that I indulged on pizza, which may not seem like a ton, but before the month of August I had not had pizza in months. But come on, I was in Chicago, I had to try the deep dish. And let it be stated that I am damn lucky that I don't live in Chicago, because I would be eating deep dish weekly daily!

In the last week I have desperately been trying to change my behavior and get back to my strong willed ways, but man, is it tough. This month was rough because I went camping, I spent a weekend at the lake, and a weekend in Chicago. So I really strayed away from my everyday life and routine.  Even though I haven't lost any weight this month, I have thoroughly enjoyed the past 4 weeks, and I have loved every bit of food that I have consumed. Which sucks! I mean, I am glad to know that I can maintain a steady weight, but I am still not happy with the weight that I am at, and I would like to lose more. So I am currently feeling aggravated at the thought of having to diet forever. Okay, forever is a little dramatic, but I will definitely have to keep restricting myself for like another year. Ugh! But once that year is up, you better believe that I will be in Chicago, eating deep dish, loving my new and improved body!

Getting Back to my Cheese Lovin' Roots!

One of the main reasons that I cannot make the switch from vegetarian to vegan is because I can't imagine a life without cheese. Unfortunately I am one of those people who has an obsession with cheese. I feel as though loving cheese is a curse and a blessing, because as I am indulging in a gourmet chunk of cheese, I am simultaneously feeling joy and guilt. I couldn't even tell you what my favorite kind of cheese is, because I love so many kinds of cheese. I could probably devour a whole block of cheese, if I allowed myself to do so. Oh, who am I kidding, I could probably polish off 3 blocks of cheese and still want more. Luckily the grocery stores in my neighborhood offer small sample sizes, so I only spend about $2.00 and am not tempted by a huge block of cheese sitting in my refrigerator.

The bad part is that I have recently been influenced by a fellow cheese lover to browse the expensive cheese section at Whole Foods. And now, I am even more obsessed with cheese than I was before. Let this serve as a warning to those of you who equally cannot say no to cheese; stay away from the gourmet cheese section. I mean it. Especially at Whole Foods, they provide you with samples just to lure you in, those sneaky bastards!

So now after I have gushed about my obsession with cheese, my next confession may come as a surprise. I don't usually put cheese in or on what I am eating. If I am making a salad, I don't add cheese. On my Chipotle burrito bowl, I don't add cheese. On most of my veggie burgers, I don't add cheese. I think you get the picture. Anyway, I rarely add cheese to things because I usually can't taste it or don't notice it. With a burrito bowl, there are so many other flavors that I don't even notice the cheese, so why bother adding the extra calories?

It's not that I don't put cheese on anything, but before adding cheese to something I make sure that the cheese will enhance the flavor of the dish. If I am making scrambled eggs, I will add cheese, but if I am putting salsa on top of my eggs, I will not add cheese, because the salsa is such a strong flavor. In most cases, I would rather just eat a slice of cheese plain and fully enjoy the flavor. Plus by enjoying a slice of cheese it serves as a snack, rather than extra points in a meal. So far, eating small slices of cheese satisfies my cravings, but also allows me to still lose weight.

When I was thinking about writing this post, I had an aha moment; I had this outlook even before I was conscience of dieting. When I was a kid, I used to order a cheese burger with the cheese on the side, because I just wanted to eat the cheese plain. So now, 18 years later, I still enjoy eating cheese all by itself. No crackers, no bread, no pastas. Just plain cheese. And now that I have gotten back to my cheese lovin' roots, I am going to continue to exclusively indulge in small servings of cheese, savoring every single slice!

Quick, Easy, Fast. . .

. . .rapid, simple, effortless. These are words that should not be used to describe weight loss. Yet, the last time that I was trying to chose a magazine, these are the exact words that were used to advertise diet and exercise.

"Simple new foods to get rapid weight loss results!"

"Quick 10 minute workouts to see the results you want."

"The simple way to lose 10 pounds in two weeks!"

"Easy exercise tips to get six pack abs."

The only way that getting a six pack would be considered easy was if you were to use this little contraption.

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Being that everyone and their brother are trying to lose weight, it only makes sense that retailers are trying to cash in on this growing fitness industry. And since we tend to be obsessed with instant gratification, it's no surprise that weight loss is advertised as quick and painless. But whether an individual is trying to lose 200 pounds, or that last 5 pounds, weight loss should never be disguised as easy. If it were easy, quick or fast, we would not have such a high rising obesity rate.

Losing weight the proper way is not easy or fast. It's very, very hard and frustrating, and discouraging. And if you have a good amount of weight to lose, there will come a time when you will want to give up because you won't feel like anything is working. When you have reached a point of desperation, you are willing to believe anything. And against your better judgement, you find yourself thinking that using the shake weight for 6 minutes is going to work. Exercise is not meant meant to be quick. A real workout should never be 10 minutes or less. It's called a workout for a reason. You have to put the hard work in to get the hot body that you desire. I have learned to embrace fitness and hard work, but when I started I had no idea just how hard I would have to work.

In the beginning, I had visions of my weight just pouring off. I thought I would be losing at least 5 pounds a week, if not more. I blame this vision solely on society and the false advertising that is done for weight loss. Luckily there was a voice inside telling me to keep working hard but I think a common reason for weight loss failure is unrealistic expectations when it comes to beginning a diet and exercise routine. If you set out thinking that something is going to be easy, and then find out that it's not so easy, chances are you are going to fail and eventually quit.
 

Workout equipment like this provides unrealistic expectations of real exercise.

Spending only 6 minutes a day working out is not going to get you buff.

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And when is the last time you heard someone say, "oh yeah, I actually lost 50 pounds by using the shake weight for 6 minutes a day!"

Now don't get me wrong, I am sure the shake weight could provide some great benefits when added into a daily workout regimen, coupled with a healthy diet. However, the advertising leads us to believe that 6 minutes of simply holding a moving object is all it's going to take to get big, bulging muscles. This ad makes it look like the girl and guy both only used it for 6 minutes a day, yet by some miracle he was able to get muscles triple her size. It's magic really.

Equally there are many crash diets on the market that I think purposefully set people up for failure. The more that people crash diet, the more money they are going to spend on products like the shake weight and the ab lounger. It's a vicious cycle.

"Conduct this 7 day cleanse, and you will lose 10 pounds." 

"Use this relaxing body wrap and watch the inches melt off of your waist!"

A diet in which you have to cleanse starve your body for a week is not going to provide you with real, sustainable results. You are not going to maintain that 10 pound weight loss. You have simply deprived your body and lost some water weight. This is a quick fix; a temporary solution. Participating in a cleanse for 4 nonconsecutive weeks is not going to result in a total of 40 pounds gone. Similarly, taking an all natural diet supplement is not going to cause you to drop 30 pounds if you are still stuffing your face with a Big Mac, and considering adjusting yourself on the couch to be exercise.

Though some diet supplements may aid in weight loss, they usually only work when added to an already healthy diet, and exercise. When my weight loss plateaued, I had considered taking a diet supplement, but I stopped and asked myself, "do I want to take this supplement for the rest of my life?" My answer was no. So now I ask myself this very question every time I consider buying a supplement. And if my answer is no, which it usually is, then I typically won't start taking that specific supplement. I believe that if you are going to maintain weight loss, you need to find a diet that you will be able to sustain for the rest of your life. I have heard that maintaining weight loss can sometimes be harder than actually losing it. So why not start with the hard stuff, make it a lifestyle and then live that way forever?

So when you find yourself debating buying that trendy piece of workout equipment or participating in a fad diet, ask yourself "am I going to be able to keep this up forever?" "Is this an actual lifestyle change or just a quick fix?" Weight loss and a healthy lifestyle should never be a fad or a trend. And if you find yourself overwhelmed at the thought of never getting to eat a large bowl of ice cream ever again, ask yourself "can I do it just for today?" Because chances are you can. You are stronger than you think. And then 'just for today' quickly becomes a month, which quickly becomes 6 months, and before you know it, you no longer feel chained to ice cream or junk food in general. 

You are strong. And you can do this. 

Break your weight loss journey into more manageable chunks. If you love bread, brownies and french fries (I am guilty of this), you don't need to stop eating all of them at once. But you also don't need to have all of them in the same week. Moderation is good. Crash dieting is bad. 

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Note to Self: Kale Doesn't Blend Well

Do not put kale into a protein shake. I repeat, do NOT put kale into a blended protein shake! This may sound like common sense to those of you who are not adventurous in your eating. However, last night I thought this sounded like a great idea. I have previously blended spinach into a protein shake, and it turned out just fine. Other than the green tint, I couldn't even tell that there was spinach in my yummy chocolate protein shake. So last night, when making my protein shake I thought kale would blend up just as nicely. Wrong. I was so horribly and utterly wrong.

Because kale is a little more structured and rigid than spinach, I ended up with a cup full of what I am calling 'kale flecks.' After taking my first sip, I felt as though someone had put a handful grass clippings into my cup. It tasted just fine, but the texture was all wrong. With every sip I had a mouth full of hard kale flecks. Gross. But since I am not a quitter or a waster, I pressed on and drank the entire cup. Half way through I started washing down every sip of the concoction with a large gulp of water. This helped, but by no means did I get used to the texture. Never again will I be foolish enough to add kale to a blended drink. Never. Again.

Drunk Snacking and Hungover Binging!

A couple of weeks ago I posted about drinking alcohol while on a diet, but another factor that doesn't bode well for my diet is the food that I consume while under the influence. Unfortunately for me, a weekend of bar hopping and drink mixing usually means a late night drunken feast. Most of the time my drunken snacking doesn't even include foods that I would normally eat. I once bought a doughnut, ate half and then realized that I don't even like doughnuts! Who does that? Me, apparently. And it usually doesn't stop there. The next morning, if I wake up with a hangover, I always want a large amount of fatty foods. I almost always want a burrito, a heaping plate of greasy hash browns, or ice cream. Just like drinking on a diet, I have been able to find some healthy loopholes to drunk eating but, by no means do I believe that alcohol is a healthy substance.

So here are some tips that I currently use and so far have proven to be effective to help with drunk eating and hungover binging:

1) Budget your points/calories on preplanned drinking days.  On days when I am planning to go out for a happy hour or night filled with drinks, I will try to budget my Weight Watcher points accordingly. With WW a typical cocktail or beer is an average of 5 points. So knowing that I am not going to just have 1 beer and that I will probably be eating when I get home, I will try to eat meals throughout the day that have a low point value, leaving more points for me to consume later in the day. Now does this mean that I am starving myself throughout the day? No, starving myself before going out drinking would typically make me a light weight and would result in me hugging the toilet at the end of the night. Although throwing up might not be all bad, I would rid myself of all the crap that I consumed. 

2) Plan snacks ahead of time. I have started putting out snacks before I head out to the bar. I will chose things like an apple, pretzels, strawberries or carrots and peanut butter. This way when I get home from the bar, I will tend to eat the snacks that are already on the counter, rather than digging through the pantry for tortillas and cheese to make a quesadilla. And lowered inhibitions coupled with a hot stove is probably not the brightest idea anyway.

3) Substitute health food for junk food. As I mentioned, if I wake up with a hangover, 9 times out of 10, I will want a burrito from Chipotle. And eating Chipotle is an idea that I have started to embrace and actually don't feel guilty about eating. This could be due to the fact that I have managed to make my burrito bowl much lower in points. 6 months ago when I went to Chipotle, I was ordering a burrito that was a whopping 27 points (I am only allowed 34 for the day) but now I have managed to get my burrito bowl down to 12 points by cutting out the tortilla, rice, cheese and only getting a small drizzle of sour cream. This may sound like a boring burrito bowl but you just have to suck it up, no one said dieting was easy. You have to learn to love the healthier options.

Another health food swap that I have started doing is making hash browns at home. I used to suggest going out for breakfast and I would get a heaping pile of greasy hash browns. But now when I am craving hash browns, I use non fat cooking spray, and add a ton of vegetables to bulk up my plate. And on those mornings that I am craving ice cream I try to opt for frozen blended bananas or frozen yogurt. Yum! I have a new found addiction with frozen yogurt.

4) Alter your cravings. Since adopting a healthier lifestyle, I have started to enjoy and crave vegetables. This could be because with WW, vegetables are zero points, so when I was hungry I forced myself to eat them and now I have tricked myself into thinking that I like them. And when you eat something enough, you oddly start to crave it. Or at least I do. This happened with kale. I tend to crave savory over sweet, so making kale chips is a good way to satisfy my cravings. Because I eat kale so frequently I have now begun to crave kale when I am hungover. I never thought that I would be putting the words 'kale' and 'crave' into a sentence, man how times have changed.

5) Make a smart decision before you go out. Now I am well aware that once you start drinking it's not always easy to make smart choices. Been there, done that. However, I find that before I go out, if I remind myself that I don't want to drink a lot, I find that I am less likely to go over board and consume 10 cocktails. . . in an hour. Don't worry mom, this has never actually happened. Or at least not that I remember. Same goes for drunk eating, if I tell myself prior to going out that I do not want to make a drunken stop at Super America, chances are I will be strong and say no to the peer pressure of buying chips and an egg salad sandwich at the gas station. Yes, these are actual purchases that I have made while under the influence. I am a model of health, I tell ya.

So now that I have written all about drunk eating while on a diet, excuse me while I head off to a happy hour with co-workers! Wish me luck!