My Own Addiction

My current career goal is to become an addiction counselor of some sort. For years I thought that I wanted to become a chemical dependency counselor, but I was too apprehensive to pursue this in fear that I had no insight into the world of addiction. It wasn't until recently that I had the aha moment that has changed my life; I struggle with addiction on a daily basis. I am addicted to food. And I lack control over my eating. I know what I should be eating, and what I should not be eating, but I have times when I am unable to control what I shove into my mouth.When under stress, I don't want a drink, I want a burrito. And after a stressful week at work I find myself initiating a happy hour, just so I can binge on deep fried appetizers.

It took me a long time to realize that I am an emotional eater, that lacks self control. I never wanted to regard myself as an out of control, stressed, emotional binger, but that is exactly what I am. Whenever people had suggested that I was an emotional eater, I always denied this, using the excuse that I ate food because I love the taste. Though I do have a running love affair with food and all of the flavor that it has to offer, I also use food as an emotional crutch. I think I denied this for so long because I thought emotional eating meant turning to food in times of distress, but emotional eating can take place when happy, sad, bored, frustrated, excited, etc.

Since having this aha moment, I have not only felt more confident about pursuing addiction counseling as a possible career, but I have also gained an enormous amount of insight to myself. Accepting that I eat when I am upset has allowed me to strategize ways to break the pattern of emotional eating. I have been able to identify that I feel better about myself when I don't indulge or binge than when I allow myself to impulsively eat a large platter of jalapeno poppers and mozzarella sticks. Because I have realized that I don't feel good about binging on junk food, I have learned to eat healthier options when stressed or upset. This is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I have actually started craving kale and baked tomatoes when I am upset. Or hungover, but that is an entirely different ball game.

Of course I am not perfect, and I will never fully stop having urges to eat large amounts of junk food when upset, but I have at least broken the cycle. So when I do fall off the diet wagon and binge on a large amount of artichoke dip, chips, and a bagel (just happened Sunday), I am able to recognize my poor behavior, and remember that tomorrow is a new day and I can start over. Normally when I would binge I would feel so upset having  eaten so much, that I would do it again the next day. On Sunday, when I uncontrollably snacked all day, I started out Monday as a new day, counted my Weight Watchers points and strategized more ways to stick with my diet.

Lacking self control is a really vicious cycle and being addicted to food is much different than being addicted to alcohol or drugs. I need food to survive, I can't avoid it nor can I forget about consuming it. A recovering alcoholic can remove themselves from situations that involve alcohol, I however am faced with controlling my food cravings, and urges every day, at every meal. I do not think that one addiction is easier or better than the other; just different. I am hoping as I stumble down the path of weight loss and healthy eating habits that I will continue to learn ways to better control my eating and strategies for self-loving rather than self-loathing after a binge. Weight loss is a bumpy path, with many challenges, but I am finally starting to enjoy the adventure and figure out what it takes to be successful!

If You Done It, It Ain't Bragging!

I had an aha moment today involving motivation and self perseverance. I have finally lost 30 pounds (I will write more on that soon) and it sure hasn't come without hard work, dedication and a few diet changes. Since my weight loss had hit a plateau for over a month, losing this most recent 10 pounds has felt phenomenal. I had been hovering at about 29 pounds gone, up until last week, when I finally hit 30 pounds down and I have maintained that for a few days!

Out of pure excitement and joy I told my co workers about my weight loss milestone. Then I told my friends. Then I called my Mom. Heck, I even told the nurse at my recent health check-up. And just when I thought I had told everyone short of the mailman, I decided to tell one of my aerobic teachers. She is the one who teaches Cardio Kick, and I felt that I needed to share the good news but also thank her for being such a motivation to me. She congratulated me, gave me a hug and told me to keep her updated. It was then that I had my aha moment; the more I told people about my milestone, the better I felt and the more motivated I was to keep up the hard work.

I strive for the day that someone asks if I have lost weight and I can gleefully respond "why yes, I have!" Even though I have lost 30 pounds, the people that I see most frequently don't notice because the daily change is so slight. Because people rarely notice, I think I have failed to see what a huge deal losing 10 pounds, 20 pounds and now 30 pounds has been. The more I brag to people about my weight loss, the more real it becomes. For anyone who is trying to lose weight, my advice to you is to to tell people and brag and boast about the little triumphs that you experience. As Walt Whitman once stated: "If you done it, it ain't bragging."

Little Changes

By now I am sure you have heard the cardinal rule to avoid going grocery shopping while hungry. I break this rule every single time that I go to the grocery store, and always seem to be hungry while shopping. Because I am always hungry, I tend to buy something to snack on for the drive home. Usually this snack is a bag of chips,  some dark chocolate or some other cracker type snack that of course I eat too much of. Today when I was at the grocery store, of course I was hungry but I finally broke my overindulgent snacking cycle. Today on my drive home from the grocery store I was snacking on a banana and strawberries!

Stop Tempting Me!

I work in an office that seems to center around food. Every meeting, event and conference has a buffet of goodies. And it's not that I attend all of these functions, but somehow the leftover treats seem to linger down to the main office and sit on a table that I frequently walk past. And just when I start to forget about the mounds of sweet treats, someone comes into the office asking who brought the treats and then proceeds to shove their face full of sugar and tell me how good it is. Thank you, thank you so very much.

This office has sure tested my willpower, but I am happy to report that I have not given in to a single treat in the last two weeks!

Wednesday:

                                                                                                                                                                                       

Thursday:

                                                                                       

Friday:

                                                                                    

And once these goodies were gone, more appeared:

Calorie Counting vs. Weight Watchers

As I have stated in earlier postings, I have tried many diets, but can't seem to find a diet that fits me and my lifestyle. In my last posting I briefly touched on the fact that I've recently joined Weight Watchers and it has been going really well. I have tried a lot of different diet plans, but I have not been able to find the plan that fits me best. At different times throughout my life I've tried to completely give up sugar and carbs. Naturally I started eating both of these things again; of course I enjoy eating all things that are bad for me.

So when I started my weight loss journey, I wanted to find a diet plan that was realistic for my life. After all, I wanted this diet plan to become a way of life. At first I decided I was going to count calories and allotted myself 1200 calories a day. For awhile I followed this very closely and did begin to see results. But as time went on, I felt that trying to eat 1200 calories a day was just crazy and impossible. Slowly I let myself slip and I stopped counting calories and just tried to monitor what I was eating. Of course this didn't work either.

For two months I didn't follow any plan, just tried to monitor my eating. My weight stayed the same, I didn't gain any weight, but I also wasn't loosing any weight. In an attempt to shake up my diet, I went to a local vitamin store for some advice. Other than adding a protein shake to my diet, the best advice that the salesperson gave me was to try some diet pills. I was very tempted to buy them, until I found out that the pills gave you a double dosage of caffeine, a racing heart, a higher body temperature, and trouble sleeping. After kindly declining these diet pills that sounded like the equivalent to speed, I left the store knowing that Weight Watchers was going to have to be the next step. After months of avoiding the idea of spending money on Weight Watchers I decided to join. And it was the best decision I have made thus far.

I have been on Weight Watchers for 4 weeks and I have lost 5 pounds! Weight Watchers has been the most realistic diet  lifestyle plan that I have ever tried. I get assigned a daily point allotment, which is calculated based on my current weight. Every food item has an assigned amount of points and then I just add up the amount of points I consume each day. Each week I also get extra points, which helps to cushion the blow if I happen to slip up on my diet. With WW I don't feel like I am depriving myself. It's not about completely eliminating carbs or sugar, it's more about deciding what's worth it. I feel that this plan is much easier to personalize and make fit into my life.

When I log into the WW website I navigate my way to the food tracker. This is where I can track my daily amount of points. If I already know the value of points I can quickly enter it. Otherwise I can check the amount of points in foods that have already been entered into the system. And if I don't know the value of points I can use the points calculator and enter the fat, carbs, fiber and protein. Ideally I want foods that are low in fat and carbs and high in fiber and protein. I have recently purchased a smartphone, so now I can access the tracker on my phone. This way I can track what I am eating the minute I put it into my mouth. It's also nice because I can calculate the amount of points in foods when I am at the grocery store or at a restaurant and this helps me to make selections that are lower in points.

In addition to tracking food, I can also track my activity. Though I could probably drop weight just by counting points, WW does encourage exercise in order to achieve a healthy and balanced life. At night when I am calculating my dinner points, I also calculate my activity points for the day. It's very reassuring and motivating to see how many activity points I can get in one week. Tracking my activity causes me to be more accountable and it has almost become a weekly competition with myself to get more points!

When it comes to actually eating, the great thing about WW is that fruits and vegetables are 0 points, which has encouraged me to eat way more veggies. When I was counting calories I felt that I had such a small amount of calories to work with each day that I would sometimes avoid eating fruits and veggies that were higher in calories. Also I found that with my low daily calorie intake I was having trouble fitting in all of the nutrients that I was suppose to have each day. By adding a healthy oil to my dinner, I had already used about 1/3 of the calories I had allotted for dinner. But with WW I have been able to add healthy oils and still have a very filling dinner.

Also when I was counting calories I found that I was not able to snack or indulge. If I wanted to have a piece of cake during the day, I was pretty much looking at having celery for dinner. But with WW if I eat something that has a lot of points during the day, I just make sure to have a dinner that has a low amount of points, which is so much easier when veggies are 0 points. With WW I am able to have my piece of cake and eat dinner too!

Side Note: I have no affiliation with Weight Watchers other than being a happy customer. I just wanted to share my dieting experience, and how satisfied I have been. Also, WW is probably not for everyone, just like counting calories is not going to work for everyone. When trying to lose weight it's all about finding the balance and plan that works best for your individual body!  

Diet vs. Exercise...What's more important?

If you are anything like me and use the pinterest fitness section to gather motivation, by now you have seen plenty of images, articles, blogs, etc. that indicate that weight loss is heavily reliant on what you eat. In fact, many weight loss gurus will tell you that what you eat can sometimes be more vital to weight loss than the amount of time you spend at the gym. This is not a fact that I wanted to readily accept. I love food. I love going out to dinner with my parents. I love grabbing lunch at Chipotle with co workers. And I particularly love going out for a Friday night happy hour, where I enjoy indulging in the food specials more so than consuming the half priced drinks. So when faced with the idea of having to cut back on my eating, I of course was not a happy camper.

When I had the aha moment that caused me to begin my weight loss journey, I never imagined that going on a diet was going to be so challenging. I knew when I started this journey that I was going to have to diet. But I hated the word diet. I thought diet implied that my intentions were temporary. And nothing about the changes in my life were going to be temporary. I knew that I would never again be able to eat a whole frozen pizza for dinner and lose weight. I looked at my goal to lose weight as having to make a lifestyle change. Working out and eating right was something that I was going to have to do for the rest of my life in order to remain healthy.

I made a lot of changes to my eating in the last six months but I still had times when I binged, didn't count calories and didn't care what I was putting into my mouth. I just figured that if I was eating better and was working out, that I should be loosing weight. I had stopped eating full bags of chips, I had stopped slathering ranch on everything, and I had cut back on the amount of days that I was drinking. I wanted to believe that by shaping up my eating, I would be able to work out and lose weight. And this worked for awhile, but after 4 months of slowly dropping 20 pounds, I hit a wall and my weight stayed the same for around 2 months.

When I hit my weight loss wall, I assumed that I needed to go harder at the gym, so I went beast mode. After three weeks of this, my weight still wasn't moving much. So I have finally had the aha moment that was right in front of me but I just didn't want to believe. I still needed to change my eating. Though my eating had improved a great deal, it was still not perfect. I still had areas that I could cut back on and foods that I could eat in better moderation. After having this aha moment about a month ago, I decided to join Weight Watchers. Counting calories just wasn't working for me.

Joining Weight Watchers has really worked for me. I have started dropping pounds again, and I don't feel like I am depriving myself. The unfortunate part: what you eat does matter. Although I would love to tell you that you can lose weight and still pig out on onion rings and beer, this is not the case. Or at least not for my body. So I am here to tell you, from personal experience that diet really is a major part of the weight loss experience. I have found out that I cannot eat a whole plate of tater tots and expect to work it off at the gym. Weight loss is about balancing between eating right and working hard. And now that I have figured this out, I am confident that my weight is going to continue to drop every week!

Making Progress!

I have been working out at the YWCA at least 5 times a week, for about 6 months now. I have tried a few different work out methods, but have found pretty similar weight loss results with all of them. When I first joined the YWCA I was very intimidated to attend an aerobic class of any kind. I went to a few yoga classes but for the most part I stuck to the elliptical and weight machines. Though this initially brought results, I got bored and my weight loss hit a plateau. The first cardio class that I decided to attend was called Cardio Kick and it was pure hell! I lasted twenty minutes, ran out of the room wheezing, breathing heavy, and feeling like I was going to puke, pass out or collapse. Sounds like a night after drinking, minus being blacked out. I unfortunately was very cognizant and aware of how out of shape I really was. On this particular day, the class involved 3 minute long jump rope intervals. Jumping (and running) is not a an ideal activity for someone who is relatively overweight, out of shape and top heavy, like myself.

After a month of avoiding cardio kick and just using the elliptical, weight machines and yoga, I decided to go back to this dreaded class. But to my surprise, I was able to make it through the entire class. Granted, after completing the class I looked as though I had been ravaged by a pack of wolves and left for dead. But the point is, I made it through an entire class and I felt invincible. After 4 months of attending this class on a weekly basis, I can now say that I regularly complete this class without feeling defeated, worn out or like I am going to pass out. It's the small victories, really. 

In addition to this class I have been brave enough to try cycling, step class, zumba and a weight lifting class. I think that by attending (and successfully completing) these classes I have given myself the illusion that I am a bad ass in-shape athlete. This week I was reminded of why I am not a bad ass in-shape athlete. On Monday I decided to attend a circuit training class, A.K.A. gym class on steroids. The basic premise of this class is that you start out jogging around the gym and then you proceed from station to station for 90 second intervals. For the most part the stations alternate between cardio and strength training. This.Shit.Was.Hard. I was sweating and out of breath within the first station, which of course was jump rope. I was half way through with this class, and I had a small aha moment; I had successfully ran laps, ran sprints, and jumped rope, all of which I physically could not do just a few months prior. Though I still felt like I was going to puke at one point, I was able to complete the class and am actually excited to attend next week!

Update: Last post I had discussed going beast mode. I have dropped my 2-hour gym sessions down to twice a week. I have noticed a slight difference in the rate of my weight loss but nothing too significant. Though I am sure that these 2-hour sessions have given me the endurance to complete cardio kick and circuit!