My Own Addiction

My current career goal is to become an addiction counselor of some sort. For years I thought that I wanted to become a chemical dependency counselor, but I was too apprehensive to pursue this in fear that I had no insight into the world of addiction. It wasn't until recently that I had the aha moment that has changed my life; I struggle with addiction on a daily basis. I am addicted to food. And I lack control over my eating. I know what I should be eating, and what I should not be eating, but I have times when I am unable to control what I shove into my mouth.When under stress, I don't want a drink, I want a burrito. And after a stressful week at work I find myself initiating a happy hour, just so I can binge on deep fried appetizers.

It took me a long time to realize that I am an emotional eater, that lacks self control. I never wanted to regard myself as an out of control, stressed, emotional binger, but that is exactly what I am. Whenever people had suggested that I was an emotional eater, I always denied this, using the excuse that I ate food because I love the taste. Though I do have a running love affair with food and all of the flavor that it has to offer, I also use food as an emotional crutch. I think I denied this for so long because I thought emotional eating meant turning to food in times of distress, but emotional eating can take place when happy, sad, bored, frustrated, excited, etc.

Since having this aha moment, I have not only felt more confident about pursuing addiction counseling as a possible career, but I have also gained an enormous amount of insight to myself. Accepting that I eat when I am upset has allowed me to strategize ways to break the pattern of emotional eating. I have been able to identify that I feel better about myself when I don't indulge or binge than when I allow myself to impulsively eat a large platter of jalapeno poppers and mozzarella sticks. Because I have realized that I don't feel good about binging on junk food, I have learned to eat healthier options when stressed or upset. This is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I have actually started craving kale and baked tomatoes when I am upset. Or hungover, but that is an entirely different ball game.

Of course I am not perfect, and I will never fully stop having urges to eat large amounts of junk food when upset, but I have at least broken the cycle. So when I do fall off the diet wagon and binge on a large amount of artichoke dip, chips, and a bagel (just happened Sunday), I am able to recognize my poor behavior, and remember that tomorrow is a new day and I can start over. Normally when I would binge I would feel so upset having  eaten so much, that I would do it again the next day. On Sunday, when I uncontrollably snacked all day, I started out Monday as a new day, counted my Weight Watchers points and strategized more ways to stick with my diet.

Lacking self control is a really vicious cycle and being addicted to food is much different than being addicted to alcohol or drugs. I need food to survive, I can't avoid it nor can I forget about consuming it. A recovering alcoholic can remove themselves from situations that involve alcohol, I however am faced with controlling my food cravings, and urges every day, at every meal. I do not think that one addiction is easier or better than the other; just different. I am hoping as I stumble down the path of weight loss and healthy eating habits that I will continue to learn ways to better control my eating and strategies for self-loving rather than self-loathing after a binge. Weight loss is a bumpy path, with many challenges, but I am finally starting to enjoy the adventure and figure out what it takes to be successful!