Must.Have.Willpower.

Dieting is hard. Fighting food addiction is hard. Fighting food addiction when faced with some of your favorite foods is like a cruel form of Chinese torture. Now, as a fat girl in transition, I have a lot of favorite foods, which makes navigating life very, very difficult. We are faced with food choices all the time. I recently heard that we make around 200 food choices every day, and then found this article discussing the same finding.

200! That is incredible. It explains why I feel like I am always fighting the urge to binge. I always feel like I am minutes away from losing control of my eating. And certain things will trigger me to indulge. Some common emotions that will trigger me are: frustration, anger, stress, and sadness. I do eat when I am bored, but it's usually just nibbling or snacking. But when I am under stress/frustrated, everyone better look out! I simultaneously want nachos, french fries, brownies, cool whip, and Oreos. I am not kidding.

Nachos are a huge danger zone for me. If I am stressed at work, I want to go to a happy hour and stuff my face full of nachos. It's not pretty, and I should probably refrain from ever ordering nachos while on a date.

Recently (read: the last 3 days), Minneapolis has been a complete and utter nightmare for driving. On Sunday we got around a foot of snow, and the streets are haphazardly plowed. This makes my commute to the gym and work a complete shit show.

After being late for work on Monday and Tuesday, I finally thought that I had outsmarted the system and would try taking an earlier bus. Well, that didn't work, and I found myself waiting at a cold bus stop for 20 minutes and boarding the bus that I normally take. When I got to work I was pissed. So when I walked into the staff kitchen and saw Oreos, I was not happy. Especially when the pack of Oreos were ripped open and easily accessible. 

Side note: I am very weird, random, and selective about the sweets that I like and will actually indulge in. I love brownies, but don't like donuts. I love, LOVE Oreos, but I am not crazy about chocolate chip cookies, unless they are freshly baked. Who would really say no to fresh baked anything?

I literally stood in the kitchen, starring at the Oreos for probably a minute. I almost started shaking, I wanted to grab 5 cookies, shove them in my mouth and grab 5 more. It was bad. I felt like a heroin addict that was looking for the next fix. I finally broke eye contact with the container of cookies, stepped away and ran out of the kitchen.

Five minutes later I felt fine. I was glad that I did not binge on the cookies and I felt more in control. It's just so weird how my mind can go to such a dark place. If I would have thought to grab just 1 cookie, I would have grabbed more, and more. But that is what binging, emotions and triggers can do to me. Now, sitting here hours later, I could easily walk into the kitchen and not grab a cookie or even grab just 1 cookie and walk away.

I am in a constant battle with myself and my willpower. I am happy to say that today I won the battle! But tomorrow I might not be so lucky. It's our holiday work party and it will be a small miracle if I don't shove my face full of sugar.