We, We, We.

I have discussed my roommate in a previous post. She is one of my oldest and closest friends. She supports me and stands by me even when I am being bitchy and ornery about dieting. Sometimes I don't know why she sticks around.

Since I have started tracking my foods again this week my level of bitchiness is quite high. I seriously hate having to worry about food. 

Am I eating too much?

Is it worth the calories to add a fourth of a cup of cheese?

Are the measuring cups clean? I need to measure out my egg whites.

Did I eat enough to fuel my workout? But if I eat more, will I have enough points left for dinner?

It drives me bananas. 

I just want to eat intuitively, however my mind and body can't seem to agree on what that means. 

I realize this is totally a first world problem, but damn it sucks to have to worry about measuring out a half a cup of black beans. And then wonder if I should have skipped the black beans all together because I would've rather used my 2 points on something else. And it sucks even more when you live with someone who doesn't even give a second thought about adding cheese or black beans, to anything. 

What sucks even more is that lately I have been eating like her. Which has caused  me to gain weight. And it's not like she eats that poorly, but she just has more wiggle room than I do. She doesn't have to obsess over small things like black beans. Black beans for fuck sake! Dieting has turned me crazy.

Anyway, I have been trying to reflect on the reason why I have been eating more like my roommate and less like myself. And I think a major reason why has to do with a small little word, 'we.' 

Because my roommate and I spend so much time around each other, it's natural for her to say things like: 

"We went to the gym on Friday." 

"We had a late dinner." 

"We were craving ice cream last night." 

To most people this probably does not seem like a problem. But to me, it's a complete mind fuck. When she refers to us as a unit or a 'we,' I begin to think that I can do and eat the same things that she can. But sadly I can't.

I have to worry about things like buying chobani greek yogurt vs. yoplait greek yogurt (yoplait is lower in points, and sugar but chobani has more options and more protein). She has to worry about things like eating too many noodles in one sitting. I can't even eat noodles because they have too many carbs! 

So when she says things like: "We ate pretty well last week." I start unconsciously thinking, "yeah, I did eat pretty well last week." When in reality I ate more carbs, cheese, and beer than I probably should have. And because I am thinking that I ate pretty well last week I then continue to stuff my face with more carbs, cheese, and beer. 

Do you see why this whole 'we' word is a problem for me? Because I see her eating things, and still maintaining a small weight, I think that I can do that too. But she is not dieting. She is close to her ideal weight, so she doesn't have to worry about toning her calories down. In fact she has never even had to track calories. Frustrating, right?

Now I haven't quite figured out a solution to this problem. I have asked her to stop using the term 'we' but that's just a term that comes naturally to her. She has no idea that she is slowly mind fucking me into a fat oblivion.

And I am not going to ask her to watch her eating. She eats what is right for her body, and metabolism. Plus we do not need two angry dieting bitches under one roof. I provide enough bitchiness for the both of us.

I know I am not the only one with this problem. Couples experience this type of thing all the time. I can only hope that I will find a man who is calorie conscious, but I think that's irrationally wishful thinking on my part.

So now I must ask, what do you do when you are getting bad dieting influences from the people closest to you? Especially when they aren't purposefully trying to sway you off of your diet?

I get so frustrated when I think about dieting. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to cool it for awhile. My weight isn't moving regardless if I deprive myself or if I indulge. So, what's the answer? I need help! 

Unemployment.

For the past year and a half I was working at the University of Minnesota, in one of their academic departments. I initially began working in the department because I wanted to take more college classes, and working at the U gives you tuition benefits.

I have since decided that I have no idea what I want to get my next degree in so I have stopped taking classes. My original degree was in Psychology, and I have no clue what to do with it. I realized that I need to be in the real world for awhile, discover my passions, and then possibly get another degree. 

So after a lot of consideration I decided to quit my job and be unemployed for awhile. This may seem crazy to most people, myself included, but I knew that I needed some down time to reflect on what I really wanted out of life. 

At 23 years old I know that I am not going to find my perfect career. Hell, I might not ever find my perfect career, but I at least want to find something that makes me happy. Something that I enjoy doing and feel fulfilled by. And every single time that I reflect on happiness and fulfillment I always think about fitness. 

Losing weight has been the best thing that I have ever done. It has changed me from the inside out. I want everyone to feel the way that I feel, and so I know that I need to pursue a job that is fitness related. I am not exactly sure what the position is yet, but I think that my next step will be to become a certified personal trainer.


I think by holding that certification I could open a lot of doors for myself. So that means in the next few weeks I will be choosing an association to become certified through, I am currently leaning towards ACE. Then I will order my study materials and get to it. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I would love to hear it!

Oh, and because I am currently unemployed, I have been attending the gym like twice a day, and walking to and from. Additionally I have been really good with my eating. I started tracking points again last week, and did relatively well over the weekend. I am hoping this will kick my weight plateau to the curb!

Having a Second Aha Moment!

I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to stop weighing myself until the end of March. I had not dropped a pound since Christmas, and I was stressing out every time I would step on the scale. I work hard at the gym, and I like what I see in the mirror, but I would always let the scale ruin that happiness.

I was getting diet and gym obsessed.
In order to get my weight moving I was basically depriving myself of anything enjoyable.
I felt like I was starving myself as safely as I could.
Like I was punishing myself.
I knew the stress of weight loss was getting to me,
and it wasn't helping anything.

So for my own sanity I decided to lay off the scale,
stop tracking foods, and focus on intuition.
I was still regularly going to the gym,
and eating healthy foods,
however I ended up gaining weight.
Womp womp.

Without the scale to keep me accountable,
I let myself slip.
Not a lot, but enough.
By not weighing myself I wasn't as connected to my weight loss.
I was becoming content with my body.
I had lost motivation.
I had forgotten what it felt like to battle obesity.

Prior to breaking up with the scale I was teetering between 177-179.
I weighed myself last week and I was between 180-182.

This is not terrible. I am sure I can bounce back pretty quickly. But lemme tell ya, there is nothing more frustrating than having to lose weight that you have already lost.
I said good bye to the 180s back in December.
I vowed that I would never be there again.
Yet here I am, flirting with the 180s, again.

It was over the weekend that I feel like I had my second major aha moment. I was becoming content with my body, which is a good thing. So many people hate their bodies, and I am proud to say that I no longer hate mine.
However, I don't love it.
I still have weight that I want to lose.
I still have areas of my body (my gut, my arms, and inner thighs) that I want to tone up.
I still have work that needs to be done.

I think I would just cry if I saw 183, or 184.
I would feel like I am falling back into my old ways.
I cannot let this happen. I must get my head back in the game.
And that is when I had my second aha moment.

It's time to buckle down again. To measure every.single.thing that I put into my mouth, even cocktails! Oh the horror!

I need to become strict with my eating, and dedicated with my gym going.
It's time to kick my sorry ass back into consistent weight loss.
And I know it's possible because the aha moment brought me the clarity, motivation, and will power that I needed!
I have reconnected with my journey.

Today I have started tracking points again. I measured out my egg whites, and stayed away from unnecessary snacking.
It's not fun.
I hate feeling chained to a food diary, but it's what I need to do for the next week or so.

I have also vowed to bring more activity into my life.
Interrupt my sitting more often.
Moving around.
Fidgeting.
Walking.
Cleaning.
Whatever I gotta do to keep myself moving.

We'll see how it goes!