Finish the Sentence Part II

Me oh my, I am about to participate in my second link-up! Again, it's by the fabulous Jake and Holly. So let's hop to it, shall we?

 

 

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat... Pizza every single day. And wash it down with oreos, and margaritas from Chili's.

2. On my Prom night.... I barely danced. Then I left early so I could get my drank on, and then I danced at the after party. I was a lush in high school, and I still am today. Go figure.

3. When I go to the store, I always buy... Bananas, cottage cheese, yoplait greek yogurt, and eggs. Real exciting stuff.

4. Family functions typically... don't happen. We are not very into holidays or shit like that. I will be spending Easter drinking mimosas with my friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

5. I think my blog readers... are few and far between. However anyone who does take the time to read my ramblings deserves a medal.

 

6. I'd much rather be... on a beach with a frozen cocktail in my hand.

 

7. I have an obsession with.... party buses. I might just be in love with partying on a party bus.

 

8. My work friends.... are really going to miss me because I recently quit my job, and only have 3 work days left.

 

9. When I created my Facebook account.... I was a freshmen in college and the very last one of my friends to make one. I am always late to the party.

 

10. My least favorite word is... sobriety.

 

11. I really don't remember.... half of what I learned while in college. But I can tell almost every single person or professor's name that I met in those 4 years. I remember the odd stuff.

 

12. Justin Bieber.... should team up with Nicki Minaj again because I shamelessly love "Beauty and a Beat."

Oh What a Year!

I started blogging at around this time last year. I obviously do not blog on a regular basis, just when I feel like bragging, or complaining. I remembered last year I wrote a post about being in a plateau, and needing to have limits on certain foods. A year ago I was so new to the dieting world. I was confused and I did not feel confident with my eating.

I finally feel like I have everything figured out. I mean, I am still currently in a weight plateau, but I am done stressing about it. I wish I was thinner but I no longer hate my body, so I just need to take a chill pill (do people still say chill pill?) and relax a bit. I have the tools to be successful, so I just need to pipe the fuck down, and be happy with how far that I have come.

In order to do this I am going to attempt to stay off the scale until the end of March. This could be a great plan or a really bad one. It will be really depressing if I step on the scale in April and I've gained 5 pounds, but then I will write a post bitching about my metabolism know that I have to weigh myself more frequently.

But it's interesting reflecting on the last year, and what sort of changes have come about. I feel and look like a different person.

I no longer feel like I am trapped in the body of a fat girl. Prior to starting this journey I did not find myself attractive. I felt like a lot of guys were off limits to me because who would want to be with some who was obese? 

I no longer feel that a lot of guys are off limits. I no longer feel like a fat girl. I no longer feel ugly. I still have a very, very tough time admitting that I am attractive. But if a guy tells me that I am pretty I no longer think he is lying, so there's that.

I know that so many people say that they get fit for themselves, but that is not why I started. In all honesty I was tired of being the fat friend. I was tired of looking for equally fat guys to date. I was tired of being turned down by the equally fat guys because society still accepts fat guys more than fat girls. I was sick of putting on clothes that were too tight. I was sick of looking in the mirror and hating myself. So I may have started this journey for vanity reasons, but does that matter? It gave me the kick in the ass that I needed and now I am a healthier version of myself, physically and emotionally.

St Patrick's Day: 

2012: 226ish lbs 

2013: 177ish lbs

 

I look at the above picture and just shake my head. My face was so damn round. Like double chin and no jaw definition. And I had already lost like 20 pounds. The girl on the left was so unhappy, don't let that drunken shit grin fool you.

Since this picture I have lost around 50ish pounds. I have also changed my make-up techniques, a lot. First of all, look at the difference coloring my eye brows makes, it totally defines my face. I have also learned how to define and contour my face. All of this may sound superficial but I don't care because I like the person that I have become, and that is all that matters!

Oh and I did not do well with drinking on a diet this past weekend. So much damn beer, and a shit ton of jello shots. But I had a fucking blast. I love day drinking. It's probably better that I am not weighing myself today.....

A Little Bit of Self-Indulgence

I am still in the middle of a weight plateau. Frustrating but lezbehonest, I am not going to diet over St. Patty's weekend. I am going to drink lots of beer, and eat lots of crap. So I have decided to stop stressing about the scale for the next few weeks. However I was wondering how I was going to keep up any sort of motivation if I was not relying on the scale.

Well, I now have my answer. My roommate recently posted the pictures she took during our St. Thomas trip. As I was flipping through the pictures I saw a picture of myself and almost couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I was the opposite of disgusted. I was proud. I was damn proud. Was that really my body? I still think that I am rather chubby, but my god, I was so impressed with myself. So, I am going to self-indulge a little bit and flash this very picture.

February 22nd, 2013:

Now let's just venture back in time, when I looked like this, 

May 28th, 2011:

Two completely different people. 

Finding Inspiration

Growing up as a girl I was made to believe that I could not be as good as the boys when it came to athletics. I had all boy cousins, and I could never run as fast as they could. I could never water ski as easily as they could. I could never golf as well as they could. And the reasoning they gave was always that girls are just not as athletic. That boys will always run faster, because they are boys.

That may be true. It might be true that guys are stronger, or at least that guys have the ability to be stronger. But honestly I think I am probably stronger that half of the guys I know. Don't tell them that.

Anyway, most of the fitness classes that I attend are filled with women. I think guys are too stuck in their manly, testosterone ridden stereotypes to actually attend a fitness class. Most guys just come to the gym to lift weights and walk around with their chests all puffed up.

But every once in awhile a girl manages to bring her man friend into a fitness class. Sometimes they are gay, but usually it's a husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend type of situation. So last night we actually had 3 men in my Cardio Kick class. One was gay, one was a husband, and one I assume was a boyfriend, but could have been gay. Who knows.

I always like to watch the men who come into class because I think a lot of them have a tendency to think it's going to be a really easy class, and that girls are not that hardcore. I even heard the boyfriend guy make a comment to his girlfriend last night about probably needing to take a run after class. HAHA, oh buddy, you have no idea what you got yourself into. The Cardio Kick instructor is one of the most badass teachers there is. She pushes hard, and does not take no for an answer. She once said "I want you to feel like you are going to throw up after this."

So last night class started, and within 20 minutes I noticed all 3 of the men in the class struggling. They had all stopped putting in effort. Barely completing the moves, breathing soooo heavy, and one even stopped shuffling/jumping and just marched in place for awhile.

It was in that few minutes that I had a slight aha moment, or a rather euphoric sensation trickled over me. A lot of the men that come into this class underestimate the power of women. I even underestimate the power of women. But being in this class reminded me how incredibly strong women are. How much they are capable of. And that women can accomplish ANYTHING that they put their minds to.

It also makes me look at my own journey, and realize how far I have come. I am currently so frustrated with the scale, but I have to remember that there was once a day when I couldn't even make it through a Cardio Kick class. And now I stand in the front and go beast mode. There was also a day when I couldn't even do one push-up on my toes, now I can do 3 sets of 15! This is what keeps me going. Getting stronger, not thinner. Or at least that is what I am going to try and focus on for a few weeks!

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Finish the Sentence...

I love linkups. I love reading them. I think you get a better idea of who a blogger is. But I never participate in them. Ever. And I don't know why. So, I have decided to pop my linkup cherry and play in the fun!

Also, I love both of these bloggers. Holly and Jake are both hilarious and unrefined, which are the characteristics I love in other people.

1. People always tell me.... how awesome I am. Not really, but they really should start.
2. In the movie based on my life... the setting would be on a party bus. The whole movie would be about a drunken adventure on a party bus. It would involve tequila, bad choices, glitter, and gay boys. End of story.
3. Typically, I end up regretting.... being too sensible about a situation. I don't make enough spontaneous, reckless decisions, while sober.
4. I always ask to leave off the.... meat. I am a veg head.
5. Kim and Kanye really... should keep reproducing so they can beat out the Duggar's and have a reality TV show about all their offspring.
6. My Parents always reminded me... how young I am, and how much life I have left ahead of me.
7. Every single day I.... wonder how in the hell my life became so mundane. I could use a little more excitement in my life. Refer to question 3.
8. This one time in College... I drank my face off, skipped class, got fat, and had the time of my life.
9. My grossest habit is... binge eating.
10. My latest white lie was... no, I do not blog while at work....
11. I know all the words to... every single Ke$ha song. Girl crush.
12. When I grow up... I want to marry a professional baseball player. That way I can get into games for free, have a top notch personal trainer, and star on the next season of baseball wives.
13. Sexy time is... usually started by drunk text messages....I am all class.
14. I will never, ever... date a guy that is not down with my gay friends.
15. I think it's hilarious... to see older people drunk.

Sometimes I Like to Vent.

I really hate to rant about weight loss. I don't want this blog to turn into someplace that I just complain and whine. But then I remember that I am blogging as a way to keep a journal for myself. When I finally reach my goal weight, I want to remember how hard I fought to get here. I want to remember the frustration, so I do not let myself slip back into fattyville.

I also think it's good to vent about the frustrations of weight loss, so other people know how hard it actually is. I really hate envy reading the weight loss blogs where everything seems so easy. I am envious of the people who cut out carbs and lose 10 pounds. I am even more angrily envious of the girls who have been lifting weights for 3 weeks and can already see their muscle definition.

Those type of weight loss stories really irritate me because it's not that easy for everyone. If I cut out carbs, my weight barely moves. I have been lifting weights for over a year and my fat is still covering up all the muscle that I have built.

Now I realize that everyone's weight loss path is different. Though some people might be able to cut out carbs and see results, they probably have other areas that cause them an equal amount of frustration.

However, I am currently very angry, so in an attempt to keep it real, I am going to spend the remainder of this post rambling and ranting. Feel free to tune out now.

Weight loss is by far the hardest, most emotionally draining journey that I have ever been on. Getting my college degree was not even as emotionally taxing. Because in college if I studied, and did what I was suppose to, I got my desired results. If I eat clean, and work out, I might lose half a pound. Maybe.

When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was at 177.4. And I was actually really upset to see that number. I had given up carbs all week, and I ate an extremely clean diet. I was really hoping to get back to 176 after my vacation. My roommate, who also went on vacation with me, only went to the gym 3 times last week, ate carbs, and pizza, and beer. Yet she managed to lose another pound.

I wanted to be happy for her, because honestly she is looking really skinny and toned. But I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity. I cried the entire way home from the gym.

And instead of getting my ass in gear, I decided to cover up my emotions with food and drinks all weekend. I drank cocktails that had pineapple juice and cream of coconut. I ate lots of noodles, pancakes, and worst of all, I went to a Chinese buffet. I also thought it was a great plan to make a drunken stop at my local gas station and pick up some chips and breakfast sandwiches.

I know that I deserved to gain weight. I know that I cannot eat like that and expect any sort of good outcome. However I am stuck in the vicious circle of emotional eating. I have been in a plateau for almost 2 months. Because I am getting so fucking frustrated with my weight plateauing, I eat. When I try really hard, have great willpower, and still don't see results, I eat a shit ton.

When I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers today, I weighed in at 182.2. I was devastated. I wanted to crumple up into a heap on the floor and sob. But I felt so numb that I didn't even know how to react. I knew that I had no one else to blame but myself.

Even though I know I deserved to gain some weight, I still get so caught up in hating the card I was dealt. Why can't I have a faster metabolism? Why can't I eat how all of my friends do? I think that has been the hardest part of this whole journey. Acceptance. I just can't accept that I have to work harder to remain thinner. I try really hard to accept it and move on, but it's a constant struggle. I am an emotional basket case, all the time. I am serious when I say that weight loss is by far the most emotionally draining process that I have ever been through.

I weighed myself at the gym tonight and the scale said 180. So not as bad as it was earlier today, but still not exactly where I want to be. That still means I gained 3 pounds. In one weekend. Yikes. I am hoping that it will move back down to 177 by Friday. I always retain some water after drinking on the weekend.

So in an effort to avoid emotionally eating all week, I am going to let this serve as a wake up call for me. I am going to try and kick some major ass this week. I just got back from the gym and I will say that I think I have finally reconnected with my love for fitness.

I was finding everything to be really motivating. While I was stretching, there was a girl next to me who was counting under her breath the number of seconds on her plank. I found it inspiring to see her working so hard. I also found the women's locker room to be inspiring. Mind out of the gutter, sickos. It was just that every girl that walked in was sweating, breathing heavy, and clearly had worked hard. I just need to keep up this positive attitude and maybe I will finally see a number that I like by Friday. Fingers crossed.