Beyond Frustrated

I have wrote about hitting a weight plateau before. The first one I hit was here, and the next one was here. I have hit many plateaus but those 2 were the longest, most frustrating plateaus. And I never wanted to hit another one. But such is life, and I have not dropped weight in about 4 weeks. I am ready to starve myself until I feel like fainting and then eat a cube of cheese. Seriously.

December was great. I dropped weight so fast. Like almost 10 pounds. I am sure this correlates with that fact that I drank very infrequently in December. Stupid alcohol keeps me fat. But I am not going to give it up. I love to party. Everything in moderation, right?

I barely remember being in the 180s. I remember being 187lbs but then very quickly I moved to 181, and then 179. Then I wavered between 181 and 179. Then 181 and 178. You get the picture. I am currently at 178lbs. And the scale will not move down.

My weight is just taunting me. I feel like I can hear a voice saying "how bad do you want it, bitch." It always happens when I am excited about hitting a goal. When I just wanted to be out of the 200s, I lingered around 200 for over a month!

Then I wanted to hit 55 pounds gone for my one year weight loss anniversary but I danced around 54 pounds for weeks. This time I just want to hit 70 pounds gone, which will happen when I hit 176lb, 2 more to go.

The most frustrating part is that my eating has been so damn clean. I was tracking all of my points, until about 10 days ago. I wanted to see if I could eat intuitively and possibly shock my system into dropping some lbs. No such luck.

I eat healthy fats in moderation. I eat a protein heavy diet, but not enough to make me bulk. I make sure that I get 25 grams of fiber. I chug water, constantly. I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I go hard at the gym, and lift weights 3 times a week. I barely eat out, and when I do I avoid fried foods. I avoid sugar. I eat 3 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit a day.

It now just comes intuitively, I feel like I am living such a healthy lifestyle. Yet my body is not giving me the results that I want. And I feel so chained to WW or counting calories or keeping a food journal.

Now, I know that peole would tell me to give up the drinking. But I have drank throughout my whole weight loss process, so I know it can be done. And I count my drinks in with my WW points!

So, what can I do differently?

I could give up drinking beer. The problem is that beer is a good option for me, it doesn't get me toooo drunk. It just kinda keeps me buzzing.

I could also change up my gym routine, which I plan to do. My favorite instructor is having surgery and will be out for 6 weeks. I am really upset but it will make me change up my work-out routine. By pushing my body out of it's normal comfort zone I am hoping to accomplish more of a calorie burn!

And just to keep myself motivated, I will now reflect on how far that I have come and know how much I am capable of. Ignore how heinous that I look in these photos. I do not look good after getting home from the gym, and I will never understand girls who do:

Left side: April 2012-226 pounds 

Right side: December 2012- 180 pounds

Sore but not Sorry

I highly enjoy weight training. I try to trick myself into loving cardio, but I have a lot of days when I just don't feel like moving around at a fast pace. But I do really enjoy picking up heavy things and waving them over my head.

When you first start weight training it's expected to be sore. Like really sore. Like can barely get out of bed sore. After the first time that I did lunges I thought I was going to cry from the pain.

Since I have been weight training for over a year I don't feel extreme soreness anymore. I mean, I have times when I have slight soreness, or limited range of motion but I have not had a time when I felt so sore that I could not move. Until today.

On Wednesday I went to my usual weight lifting class. It's the class that I go to every week, but she varies up the exercises every week, so you really never know which muscles you will be training. This week she had us doing plie squats. Pulsing the squat, adding weight to the squat, and then adding even more weight to the squat.

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Just when I thought that my legs were going to give out, she had us speed up the squat, so we were almost doing kettle bell swings. I was using a 20 pound weight, and at the time I did not feel too much of a burn. But on Thursday my inner thighs were yelling.

Then I apparently thought it was a good idea to try running, and the stair stepper. After that I decided to meet my mother at the mall, and we walked, and walked, and walked. Needless to say my legs are yelling even louder today.

I have not been this sore in sooo long. Like I have to hover over the toilet, and then just sort of fall to sit down. And every time I try to stand up from my chair I have to contain the urge to wince. It's a good pain. And I am not sorry that I am sore. I think it's good to know that I still have muscles that need to be worked. And worked hard!

Best Homemade Skinny-ish Margarita

It is no secret that I like to drink. And in a perfect world I would be able to drink as much alcohol as I want, and still lose weight. That's right, my perfect world revolves around the thought of a faster metabolism. Forget the starving children, I want to be skinny! Just kidding.....kinda.

When I started dieting I was not willing to give up drinking. My life would be boring. What would I do on the weekends? Stare at a wall? Because I have managed to drink and still lose weight I am constantly on the hunt for new drink recipes that won't completely ruin my diet.

I am also always on the hunt for a good, homemade blended margarita recipe, no matter what the calorie count is. I LOVE the margaritas at Chili's. There is something about the consistency of their blended margarita that can't be beat. It's like a slushie that you get from Target or the gas station but it's better because it has tequila in it.And I love me some tequila.

While looking on pinterest I had found this drink recipe:

 

The original post can be found here. It's frozen coffee ice cubes, covered with almond milk. But of course I pinned it because someone had suggested covering it in Baileys. Hello, my name is Nadine, and I am lush.

This gave me a great idea. What if I froze margarita mix into ice cube trays. Then in a blender I could toss in the margarita cubes, some frozen strawberries and tequila. This would cut out the wateriness that you get from adding actual ice cubes.

So first I  mixed up a batch of Crystal Light (or Market Pantry, I am on a budget) Margarita mix. 5 calories for one drink pack is tremendous. Most of the time the mix alone can be well over 200 calories.

Then I poured the mixture into ice cube trays and put them into the freezer:

After the cubes froze, I threw them into a blender with frozen strawberries. Then I added the tequila. It was the real classy stuff, Durango. Again, I am on a budget: 

Blend it up, and you will end up with this: 

Volia! The perfect, low cal margarita! It was amazing. Seriously. I cannot believe that I did not think of this idea sooner. It might have to do with the fact that I was usually pretty drunk by the time I would start making margs. My drunken brain is not exactly the smartest, but I do have a good time!

Things I Wish That People Would Have Told Me

I was at weight lifting class called Chisel last week. It's a class offered at the YWCA in Minneapolis and I have been going to for almost a year. It's lead by one of my favorite instructors. She has taught me everything that I know about fitness, weight lifting, and endurance.

I am going to be sappy for a minute and say that she is a huge reason as to why my weight loss has been so successful. She showed me what hard work was and she never let me say "I can't." She doesn't read this blog but someday I would like to express to her what an impact that she has made on my life.

This same instructor teaches a Turbo Step class right before Chisel, so I first started out by going to Step. Her Step class is super intimidating because she has no routine and just shouts out moves from the top of her head. At first you feel like she is speaking jibberish, and you are trying to move so fast that you feel your legs are going to fall off. After the initial shock period you actually get the hang of it and start to love it.

I can still remember the first time that I was foolish brave enough to go to Step and then stay for Chisel. It is an intimidating class, but the benefits are incredible. She makes me lift more than I would on my own and she forces me to do exercises that I would not do on my own. Like lunges, I hate them, so much.

Last week a new girl walked in. I could tell that she was knew because she walked in and looked really spooked. She clung to the wall, and quickly walked to the back, hoping not to be seen. I knew exactly how this girl felt.

We started the class and within 15 minutes she walked out of the room and did not come back. Again, I knew exactly how she felt. I walked out of a cardio class once and I felt embarrassed, defeated, and ashamed.

It got me thinking that I wished there were things that people would have told me before I started working out:

1) Getting the gym membership will be the hardest step you will take to changing your life. I thought about walking to the YWCA to get a membership for probably a solid month before I did it. Just go. Get it over with.

2) Going to the gym for the first time will be the second hardest part of the journey. It will feel foreign, and uncomfortable.

3) Not losing weight as quickly as you thought you would will make you want to quit. But don't worry, it will start to happen.

4) Walking into your first cardio or weight lifting class will be intimidating. You are going to be disgusted with yourself for being so out of shape. But when you finish the first class you will feel victorious.

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5)You will feel like people are judging you at the gym. And they might be, but who gives a fuck? If they are going to judge you for shaping up your health, it's their own problem. I am a rather judgmental person but I think that is what helps me not to care so much.

6) You are probably not working to your full potential. I started out on the elliptical for 20 minutes. I didn't monitor my heart rate, and I did not give my work outs 100%. When I finally started working hard, I saw results.

7) If you go to a class and hate it, don't completely rule it out. I only like going to Step class with the teacher that I listed above, other instructors are too slow for my taste. I also only like going to certain cycling classes due to instructors.You just gotta find the person that you mesh with!

8) There will be days when you don't feel like going to the gym. Go anyway.

Low Calorie Cider Beer

For the month of December I was kind of a hermit on the weekends. I must have been in a funk because normally I have to be pretty damn tired in order to stay in.

I really like to consume my alcoholic beverages. And I like to drunkenly socialize with people at the bar. I also like to think that I become more charming and flirty while drinking. But in sober reality I am probably pretty awkward to talk to because I smile really big and creepy.

Now that January is here, I'm back! And I went out both Friday and Saturday, so I am really back to my old self.

The only problem with drinking every weekend is that alcoholic drinks are typically jammed full of calories. So I am always looking for new alcoholic drinks that are low in calories.

And I have found a new adult beverage that I will probably drink for the rest of my life. Forget coffee, I am drinking cider beer to get me energized.

So here is what I drank on Saturday: 

Ace Perry Hard Cider. The bottle itself was 22 oz., but the serving size was for 16 oz.

Each serving was 155 calories, 0 fat, 0 protein, 12 carbohydrates, and 9 grams of sugar.

It was 3 points for the whole bottle! Which is awesome, seeing as most 12 ounces of beer range from 3-5 points.

Since I am typing this post on a Monday, I have to wait 4 more days until I can drink this stuff again. I am not the type to just have a beer on a Wednesday night just to unwind. If I am going to drink my calories, its because I want to get drunk and smile! Come Friday you will be able to find me with a make-up brush in one hand, and a bottle of this in the other.

Accept it and Move On!

I am envious of naturally thin people. I like to say that I hate them, but I don't. I am just extremely jealous and wish that I was lucky enough to be one of them. I try to tell myself all of that cliche fat girl crap that is suppose to make myself feel better, but it doesn't work.

You know the shit I am talking about:

If I hadn't had to lose weight I probably wouldn't have such a clean diet. I am so glad that I have to eat fruits and vegetables, my body feels better this way. Being fat gave me a personality. Blah, blah, blah, etc.

I mean, when I am 60, and healthy with relatively low cholesterol and the only thing on my body that will be failing is my liver, I will be thankful that I live a healthy lifestyle. But right now, in the moment, I wish I were naturally thin. I wish I could drink like a fish, eat whole bags of Doritos, and never gain a pound. Unfortunately I am a natural fatty.

I have spent a lifetime being angry with my body. A lifetime of resenting, loathing, and yearning. Instead of trying to change myself, I resented the naturally skinny people around me.

My best gal pal, who also happens to be my roommate, is one of those naturally thin girls. I am going to refer to her as Sal, not to protect her identity but because this is actually her nickname-short for Salad- real name is Amanda. Don't ask.

We have been friends since we were 14, almost a decade. It could be a decade except she was mean to me for the first year. Excluded me because the mean girls told her to. What a bitch, right?

Somehow our friendship has lasted throughout high school, college, and young adulthood. She lived with me at my parents house during the summers, and we have also been roommates for the last three and a half years.

I am so thankful to have her as a friend, and I feel truly lucky to call her my best friend. But sometimes I completely resent her, and throw daggers at her with my eyes.

Sal LOVES food. She is constantly thinking about food. She gets really intense cravings and is always talking about food. She can eat large portions. She loves a good China Buffet (can we say trashy). At one point double cheeseburgers, ramen noodles, and frozen pizza were a regular staple in her diet.

For most of her life she has eaten whatever she wanted and remained rather small. She did gain some weight, but was never obese.

Because I have lived with her for so long she has impacted a lot of my eating habits. We have binged together, we have eaten until we were so full we could explode, and we have given into some unhealthy cravings.

When I had my aha moment, Sal was the person who came to the gym with me and got a membership. She has always, always, always been supportive of my weight loss. With every single pound that I lose, she is my personal cheer squad.

But for a loooonngg time, and even currently, I struggle to accept her support. She is not the reason that I gained weight. She did not shove french fries down my throat. She did not make me drunkenly eat a whole burrito. But I associate her with all of my bad, dark, ugly eating habits.

This is not right. And it is not fair to her. But it's just what I do. I can't help it. She is a constant reminder of my unhealthy addiction to food. She is a trigger to make me want to binge. And I project my anger over being obese onto her.

When she would cheer my weight loss I would be annoyed with her. Which doesn't even make sense. I should be thrilled to have someone like her in my life. Someone who supports me in a way that I cannot even support myself.

I get mad because she can still eat foods that I can't even look at without gaining weight (i.e. pizza rolls, ranch, french fries). She doesn't have to work out as hard as I have to. She doesn't have to measure out salad dressing every time she puts it onto a salad. She doesn't know what it's like to be 246 pounds. And even today, I stand at 180 pounds, and she will never know what it feels like to be this big.

It's not her fault that she has a fast metabolism. Nor is it my fault that I have a slow metabolism. It's not fair. But fairness is not going to make her fat or make me skinny. And this is something that I need to accept and move forward.

I need to stop playing the victim. By playing this I-was-fat-you-have-no-idea-how-it-feels card, I was making her feel bad. She was trying her damn hardest to support my journey. She stopped bringing bad foods into the apartment. She started attending work out classes with me. Once she even slapped an Oreo cookie out of my hand. I am not joking.
 
She is an awesome person to have on my side and I need to remember that. And equally I need to cheer her on. In the last year she has lost 20+ pounds and is building muscles. She has been lifting weights for 3 weeks and is already getting guns. Instead of being mad and jealous, I need to praise her.

When I told her that I was writing a post about her, she said that I should include a few fun facts about her:

1) You should put something in there about how hilarious I am.
- This is true, she makes everyone around her laugh. A lot.

2)  Also say how I have great PJ's.
-This is not true.

3) And I enjoy a good vodka drink.
-Very true.

The Biggest Loser

I have never watched a season of The Biggest Loser. I know, I am late to the party on this one. However, I have watched every single episode of Extreme Make-Over: Weight Loss Edition. I tend to get really obsessed with weight loss anything - trashy reality shows, blogs, pinterest fitness section, my own weight loss, hating skinny people, etc. Obsessed. So I am sure I will fall in love with The Biggest Loser, cry over their success and then try to find and watch all of the past seasons.

Anyway, I watched the first episode of this season and I am already pretty intrigued. Although, I don't like the idea of fast weight loss results. I don't think it's healthy, nor do I think it creates healthy habits to support a healthy lifestyle. I also don't like the idea of sending people home just because they didn't lose as much weight as someone else. I know what it's like to work hard, eat clean but still experience a plateau, so I don't think it's fair that someone gets sent home. But I am just repeating everything that has already been said in the last 14 seasons. And of course I am going to watch anyway.

The one thing that I do love about this season is that they are bringing awareness to childhood obesity. It's becoming such a huge problem is our society and I don't think that it gets enough attention. I wasn't necessarily an obese child, but I can relate to the feeling of being insecure about my weight. If a guy didn't find me attractive I always assumed it was because of my size.

Anyway, as I was watching the first episode I couldn't help but notice all of the beginning weights among the women.  There were eight women competing in the show, and five of them weighed 246 or lower. Ummm...246 was my starting weight.

Before I had my aha moment I never thought that I was obese. I knew that I was a bigger girl, but I never thought that I was thaaatt big. I would have never even dreamed of being heavy enough to participate on one of those shows. Those shows were for the real big fatties, not a little fat girl like me. But seriously, five of the women weighed the same or lower than me. Mind blowing. Completely eye opening.

If only I had applied for the show, I could have become famous. HA! No. I am proud of my own journey. Even though I have had times when I wished that I were thinner or that my weight came off faster, I am so glad my weight came off slow. My skin has had time to shrink back, I continue to work hard every day, and I know that this is a lifestyle and I will never go back to my old ways. Some of these women lost more weight in one week than I did in four months, which I find to be unrealistic.

So even though I don't like that they lose weight at a quick rate, I still love watching a show where I relate to other people. Being overweight is something that you could never understand unless you have been there. Ever.

One last note, I think I am going to end up liking Jillian Michaels. I have seen her on other shows and I usually find her abrasive and just ick. But I kind of like her no excuses attitude. In order to change yourself you cannot have excuses, so I am glad that she doesn't allow people to get away with shit. And of course I love Bob Harper, I have for awhile. He is just so damn sweet, motivational, and easy on the eyes.

And my favorite contestant thus far is Jackson, the chubby gay kid. Go figure.

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Operation Red Bikini

When I first started losing weight, I did not have any goal other than to get thinner. And now I feel that I have accomplished this goal. After a year of slogging away at the gym I decided to make some other goals, which I outlined here!

I really like the idea of having a goal because it keeps me motivated. I also do not like to look a fool, so once I put my mind to something, I tend to stick with it. I read A TON of healthy living/weight loss blogs, so I was thrilled when the fabulous blogging duo of Kassie and Leigh Ann decided to start a challenge and open it up to anyone and everyone.

It's called Operation Red Bikini and the details can be found here!
 

 

Basically you chose a goal that you want to reach by May 31st, whether it be a swim suit, a dress, a fitness goal, etc. During the challenge you can Instagram photos that relate to your goal and use the hashtag #operationredbikini.

After all is said and done, people who participated in the challenge will share their stories, their journeys and their results. At the end, stories will be voted upon and an actual winner will be chosen and receive an awesome prize!

Now I am not a super competitive person, so I am not sure that I will win the prize. However I adore the idea of a challenge AND getting to connect with other women who are working hard and losing weight!

I have a lot of people who support me and my weight loss, but I don't have many people who I can bond with over the battle of losing weight. So this challenge makes me really excited to read tons of other stories!

Oh, and I should probably share what my operation red bikini goal will be. I originally decided that my goal would be to fit into a pair of size 10 shorts. However, I think I was underestimating myself. I currently can fit into size 13 jeans,  which is not thaaat far away from a size 10. I think I was also afraid to pledge something in fear of failure. What if I say that I want to wear a bikini but then don't look good while wearing it?

But upon further reflection I have decided that I don't care. So what if I pledge to fit into a bikini and don't look good? I will still have worked my ass off and that alone is something to be proud of! I have always dreamed of being able to wear a two piece swim suit. And this will be my summer!

Side note: Even as a kid I was too chubby to look cute in a two piece. Sad life.

So my goals for operation red bikini are:

• Fit into a two piece swim suit. It might have to be a backless tankini, or a more supported or structured two piece, but regardless I want to rock it.
• Get a flatter stomach. I doubt I will get a chiseled set of abs by May 31st, but I do hope to lose the rest of my tummy fat. 
• Have lean, strong arms. I want to look great in a tank top. 
• Have a space between my inner thighs. I have always wished that when I closed my legs, there was a gap between the thighs. Currently there is a small, miniscule opening, but I want more!

These are more goals, and I am determined to work hard and achieve results. Other than participating in this challenge, I am also really excited to shape up for summer in general. In the true fashion of a lush, I reallllly love going tubing down a river. In the midwest it's a pretty common past time in the summer to grab some tubes, strap a cooler full of alcohol to one, and float down the river while consuming lots of beer. Trashy? Maybe. Hella fun? Absolutely. Is anyone really surprised that I am using a party and alcohol to motivate me?

This will be my year to no longer be self conscious of my bathing suit body. One year I got called fat. I was so sad and mad, so I drank myself into an oblivion. However, getting called fat on numerous occasions has been motivation for me. I don't condone those types of insults but it has helped me to work hard and prove those bitches wrong! 

Lose, Gain, or Maintain

At the start of December my Weight Watchers leader asked all of us to decide if we wanted to lose, gain or maintain weight over the holiday season. Like the foolish but hopeful dieter that I am, I chose to lose.

Food has such a strong hold over me and my emotions. I have let food win the battle for most of my life. But not anymore. I wanted to prove to myself that I could lose weight during the holiday season. When I first pledged that I wanted to lose weight, I may have been delusional. But by deciding that I wanted to lose the weight, I was much more motivated to stay on track.

And I did it! I lost weight through the holiday season! I kept up a normal gym schedule, and even managed to go to the gym for 6 days a week during December. I also cut back my drinking...a lot. And I didn't indulge over the holidays. I only had 1 cookie on Christmas eve, and 1 brownie on Christmas. I ate small portions and lots of fruits and veggies, which was a drag but worth it!

Every time I was faced with that dreaded paper plate full of assorted Christmas cookies, I always asked myself: "will you regret eating that more than you will enjoy eating that?" And the answer was always YES! I always regret eating bad things, and so I just need to remember that in the moment.

I was at a party, and some asshole literally waved the cookie plate in front of my face, so I could smell the sugary goodness. I rolled my eyes, and said hell no! Then I ran to the other side of the room, in an attempt to hide from the cookie plate. I have made progress but damn, when something is sitting in front of me for a long period of time, I will inevitably give in.

I have also had an aha moment in my dieting that has strengthened my will power. Every time that I hit a plateau in my weight, I would get really mad and think "ugh, I am eating so much better than I was before. Why is this weight not coming off? I am no longer eating pizza, or ranch or mac and cheese. What more could I do?"

The problem is that I never stopped to think about what I was still consuming. No, I wasn't eating pizza, but my eating still wasn't perfect. If I reflected on my eating, there were still things that I could have cut from my diet. My body doesn't know what I am not eating, it only knows what I consume. It doesn't know that I avoided eating pizza, but it does know that I had extra cheese on my salad. Does that make sense? I know it's weird to refer to my body as an 'it', but whatever, it works for me.

Once I started paying more attention what I was still consuming, my weight has been coming off much more consistently. So this is what fueled my will power during Christmas, and New Years. Although, in true New Years style, I drank my weight in vodka. At least I drank a shit ton of water throughout the night and didn't eat a bunch of shit when I was hungover the next day. Huge improvement, even from a month ago!

And because I have a new found love for bragging, here are my stats:

October 22: 194 lbs
November 30: 191 lbs
December 17: 187 lbs
January 2: 181 lbs

My weight took a huge leap down right before Christmas, but I am pretty sure I can thank the lack of alcohol for that. It's depressing to know that if I cut alcohol from my diet that I could drop weight faster. It's unfortunate because I am not going to give up drinking. My life would be so dull without it. Sad but true.