We, We, We.

I have discussed my roommate in a previous post. She is one of my oldest and closest friends. She supports me and stands by me even when I am being bitchy and ornery about dieting. Sometimes I don't know why she sticks around.

Since I have started tracking my foods again this week my level of bitchiness is quite high. I seriously hate having to worry about food. 

Am I eating too much?

Is it worth the calories to add a fourth of a cup of cheese?

Are the measuring cups clean? I need to measure out my egg whites.

Did I eat enough to fuel my workout? But if I eat more, will I have enough points left for dinner?

It drives me bananas. 

I just want to eat intuitively, however my mind and body can't seem to agree on what that means. 

I realize this is totally a first world problem, but damn it sucks to have to worry about measuring out a half a cup of black beans. And then wonder if I should have skipped the black beans all together because I would've rather used my 2 points on something else. And it sucks even more when you live with someone who doesn't even give a second thought about adding cheese or black beans, to anything. 

What sucks even more is that lately I have been eating like her. Which has caused  me to gain weight. And it's not like she eats that poorly, but she just has more wiggle room than I do. She doesn't have to obsess over small things like black beans. Black beans for fuck sake! Dieting has turned me crazy.

Anyway, I have been trying to reflect on the reason why I have been eating more like my roommate and less like myself. And I think a major reason why has to do with a small little word, 'we.' 

Because my roommate and I spend so much time around each other, it's natural for her to say things like: 

"We went to the gym on Friday." 

"We had a late dinner." 

"We were craving ice cream last night." 

To most people this probably does not seem like a problem. But to me, it's a complete mind fuck. When she refers to us as a unit or a 'we,' I begin to think that I can do and eat the same things that she can. But sadly I can't.

I have to worry about things like buying chobani greek yogurt vs. yoplait greek yogurt (yoplait is lower in points, and sugar but chobani has more options and more protein). She has to worry about things like eating too many noodles in one sitting. I can't even eat noodles because they have too many carbs! 

So when she says things like: "We ate pretty well last week." I start unconsciously thinking, "yeah, I did eat pretty well last week." When in reality I ate more carbs, cheese, and beer than I probably should have. And because I am thinking that I ate pretty well last week I then continue to stuff my face with more carbs, cheese, and beer. 

Do you see why this whole 'we' word is a problem for me? Because I see her eating things, and still maintaining a small weight, I think that I can do that too. But she is not dieting. She is close to her ideal weight, so she doesn't have to worry about toning her calories down. In fact she has never even had to track calories. Frustrating, right?

Now I haven't quite figured out a solution to this problem. I have asked her to stop using the term 'we' but that's just a term that comes naturally to her. She has no idea that she is slowly mind fucking me into a fat oblivion.

And I am not going to ask her to watch her eating. She eats what is right for her body, and metabolism. Plus we do not need two angry dieting bitches under one roof. I provide enough bitchiness for the both of us.

I know I am not the only one with this problem. Couples experience this type of thing all the time. I can only hope that I will find a man who is calorie conscious, but I think that's irrationally wishful thinking on my part.

So now I must ask, what do you do when you are getting bad dieting influences from the people closest to you? Especially when they aren't purposefully trying to sway you off of your diet?

I get so frustrated when I think about dieting. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to cool it for awhile. My weight isn't moving regardless if I deprive myself or if I indulge. So, what's the answer? I need help! 

Unemployment.

For the past year and a half I was working at the University of Minnesota, in one of their academic departments. I initially began working in the department because I wanted to take more college classes, and working at the U gives you tuition benefits.

I have since decided that I have no idea what I want to get my next degree in so I have stopped taking classes. My original degree was in Psychology, and I have no clue what to do with it. I realized that I need to be in the real world for awhile, discover my passions, and then possibly get another degree. 

So after a lot of consideration I decided to quit my job and be unemployed for awhile. This may seem crazy to most people, myself included, but I knew that I needed some down time to reflect on what I really wanted out of life. 

At 23 years old I know that I am not going to find my perfect career. Hell, I might not ever find my perfect career, but I at least want to find something that makes me happy. Something that I enjoy doing and feel fulfilled by. And every single time that I reflect on happiness and fulfillment I always think about fitness. 

Losing weight has been the best thing that I have ever done. It has changed me from the inside out. I want everyone to feel the way that I feel, and so I know that I need to pursue a job that is fitness related. I am not exactly sure what the position is yet, but I think that my next step will be to become a certified personal trainer.


I think by holding that certification I could open a lot of doors for myself. So that means in the next few weeks I will be choosing an association to become certified through, I am currently leaning towards ACE. Then I will order my study materials and get to it. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I would love to hear it!

Oh, and because I am currently unemployed, I have been attending the gym like twice a day, and walking to and from. Additionally I have been really good with my eating. I started tracking points again last week, and did relatively well over the weekend. I am hoping this will kick my weight plateau to the curb!

Having a Second Aha Moment!

I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to stop weighing myself until the end of March. I had not dropped a pound since Christmas, and I was stressing out every time I would step on the scale. I work hard at the gym, and I like what I see in the mirror, but I would always let the scale ruin that happiness.

I was getting diet and gym obsessed.
In order to get my weight moving I was basically depriving myself of anything enjoyable.
I felt like I was starving myself as safely as I could.
Like I was punishing myself.
I knew the stress of weight loss was getting to me,
and it wasn't helping anything.

So for my own sanity I decided to lay off the scale,
stop tracking foods, and focus on intuition.
I was still regularly going to the gym,
and eating healthy foods,
however I ended up gaining weight.
Womp womp.

Without the scale to keep me accountable,
I let myself slip.
Not a lot, but enough.
By not weighing myself I wasn't as connected to my weight loss.
I was becoming content with my body.
I had lost motivation.
I had forgotten what it felt like to battle obesity.

Prior to breaking up with the scale I was teetering between 177-179.
I weighed myself last week and I was between 180-182.

This is not terrible. I am sure I can bounce back pretty quickly. But lemme tell ya, there is nothing more frustrating than having to lose weight that you have already lost.
I said good bye to the 180s back in December.
I vowed that I would never be there again.
Yet here I am, flirting with the 180s, again.

It was over the weekend that I feel like I had my second major aha moment. I was becoming content with my body, which is a good thing. So many people hate their bodies, and I am proud to say that I no longer hate mine.
However, I don't love it.
I still have weight that I want to lose.
I still have areas of my body (my gut, my arms, and inner thighs) that I want to tone up.
I still have work that needs to be done.

I think I would just cry if I saw 183, or 184.
I would feel like I am falling back into my old ways.
I cannot let this happen. I must get my head back in the game.
And that is when I had my second aha moment.

It's time to buckle down again. To measure every.single.thing that I put into my mouth, even cocktails! Oh the horror!

I need to become strict with my eating, and dedicated with my gym going.
It's time to kick my sorry ass back into consistent weight loss.
And I know it's possible because the aha moment brought me the clarity, motivation, and will power that I needed!
I have reconnected with my journey.

Today I have started tracking points again. I measured out my egg whites, and stayed away from unnecessary snacking.
It's not fun.
I hate feeling chained to a food diary, but it's what I need to do for the next week or so.

I have also vowed to bring more activity into my life.
Interrupt my sitting more often.
Moving around.
Fidgeting.
Walking.
Cleaning.
Whatever I gotta do to keep myself moving.

We'll see how it goes!

Finish the Sentence Part II

Me oh my, I am about to participate in my second link-up! Again, it's by the fabulous Jake and Holly. So let's hop to it, shall we?

 

 

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat... Pizza every single day. And wash it down with oreos, and margaritas from Chili's.

2. On my Prom night.... I barely danced. Then I left early so I could get my drank on, and then I danced at the after party. I was a lush in high school, and I still am today. Go figure.

3. When I go to the store, I always buy... Bananas, cottage cheese, yoplait greek yogurt, and eggs. Real exciting stuff.

4. Family functions typically... don't happen. We are not very into holidays or shit like that. I will be spending Easter drinking mimosas with my friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

5. I think my blog readers... are few and far between. However anyone who does take the time to read my ramblings deserves a medal.

 

6. I'd much rather be... on a beach with a frozen cocktail in my hand.

 

7. I have an obsession with.... party buses. I might just be in love with partying on a party bus.

 

8. My work friends.... are really going to miss me because I recently quit my job, and only have 3 work days left.

 

9. When I created my Facebook account.... I was a freshmen in college and the very last one of my friends to make one. I am always late to the party.

 

10. My least favorite word is... sobriety.

 

11. I really don't remember.... half of what I learned while in college. But I can tell almost every single person or professor's name that I met in those 4 years. I remember the odd stuff.

 

12. Justin Bieber.... should team up with Nicki Minaj again because I shamelessly love "Beauty and a Beat."

Oh What a Year!

I started blogging at around this time last year. I obviously do not blog on a regular basis, just when I feel like bragging, or complaining. I remembered last year I wrote a post about being in a plateau, and needing to have limits on certain foods. A year ago I was so new to the dieting world. I was confused and I did not feel confident with my eating.

I finally feel like I have everything figured out. I mean, I am still currently in a weight plateau, but I am done stressing about it. I wish I was thinner but I no longer hate my body, so I just need to take a chill pill (do people still say chill pill?) and relax a bit. I have the tools to be successful, so I just need to pipe the fuck down, and be happy with how far that I have come.

In order to do this I am going to attempt to stay off the scale until the end of March. This could be a great plan or a really bad one. It will be really depressing if I step on the scale in April and I've gained 5 pounds, but then I will write a post bitching about my metabolism know that I have to weigh myself more frequently.

But it's interesting reflecting on the last year, and what sort of changes have come about. I feel and look like a different person.

I no longer feel like I am trapped in the body of a fat girl. Prior to starting this journey I did not find myself attractive. I felt like a lot of guys were off limits to me because who would want to be with some who was obese? 

I no longer feel that a lot of guys are off limits. I no longer feel like a fat girl. I no longer feel ugly. I still have a very, very tough time admitting that I am attractive. But if a guy tells me that I am pretty I no longer think he is lying, so there's that.

I know that so many people say that they get fit for themselves, but that is not why I started. In all honesty I was tired of being the fat friend. I was tired of looking for equally fat guys to date. I was tired of being turned down by the equally fat guys because society still accepts fat guys more than fat girls. I was sick of putting on clothes that were too tight. I was sick of looking in the mirror and hating myself. So I may have started this journey for vanity reasons, but does that matter? It gave me the kick in the ass that I needed and now I am a healthier version of myself, physically and emotionally.

St Patrick's Day: 

2012: 226ish lbs 

2013: 177ish lbs

 

I look at the above picture and just shake my head. My face was so damn round. Like double chin and no jaw definition. And I had already lost like 20 pounds. The girl on the left was so unhappy, don't let that drunken shit grin fool you.

Since this picture I have lost around 50ish pounds. I have also changed my make-up techniques, a lot. First of all, look at the difference coloring my eye brows makes, it totally defines my face. I have also learned how to define and contour my face. All of this may sound superficial but I don't care because I like the person that I have become, and that is all that matters!

Oh and I did not do well with drinking on a diet this past weekend. So much damn beer, and a shit ton of jello shots. But I had a fucking blast. I love day drinking. It's probably better that I am not weighing myself today.....

A Little Bit of Self-Indulgence

I am still in the middle of a weight plateau. Frustrating but lezbehonest, I am not going to diet over St. Patty's weekend. I am going to drink lots of beer, and eat lots of crap. So I have decided to stop stressing about the scale for the next few weeks. However I was wondering how I was going to keep up any sort of motivation if I was not relying on the scale.

Well, I now have my answer. My roommate recently posted the pictures she took during our St. Thomas trip. As I was flipping through the pictures I saw a picture of myself and almost couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I was the opposite of disgusted. I was proud. I was damn proud. Was that really my body? I still think that I am rather chubby, but my god, I was so impressed with myself. So, I am going to self-indulge a little bit and flash this very picture.

February 22nd, 2013:

Now let's just venture back in time, when I looked like this, 

May 28th, 2011:

Two completely different people. 

Finding Inspiration

Growing up as a girl I was made to believe that I could not be as good as the boys when it came to athletics. I had all boy cousins, and I could never run as fast as they could. I could never water ski as easily as they could. I could never golf as well as they could. And the reasoning they gave was always that girls are just not as athletic. That boys will always run faster, because they are boys.

That may be true. It might be true that guys are stronger, or at least that guys have the ability to be stronger. But honestly I think I am probably stronger that half of the guys I know. Don't tell them that.

Anyway, most of the fitness classes that I attend are filled with women. I think guys are too stuck in their manly, testosterone ridden stereotypes to actually attend a fitness class. Most guys just come to the gym to lift weights and walk around with their chests all puffed up.

But every once in awhile a girl manages to bring her man friend into a fitness class. Sometimes they are gay, but usually it's a husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend type of situation. So last night we actually had 3 men in my Cardio Kick class. One was gay, one was a husband, and one I assume was a boyfriend, but could have been gay. Who knows.

I always like to watch the men who come into class because I think a lot of them have a tendency to think it's going to be a really easy class, and that girls are not that hardcore. I even heard the boyfriend guy make a comment to his girlfriend last night about probably needing to take a run after class. HAHA, oh buddy, you have no idea what you got yourself into. The Cardio Kick instructor is one of the most badass teachers there is. She pushes hard, and does not take no for an answer. She once said "I want you to feel like you are going to throw up after this."

So last night class started, and within 20 minutes I noticed all 3 of the men in the class struggling. They had all stopped putting in effort. Barely completing the moves, breathing soooo heavy, and one even stopped shuffling/jumping and just marched in place for awhile.

It was in that few minutes that I had a slight aha moment, or a rather euphoric sensation trickled over me. A lot of the men that come into this class underestimate the power of women. I even underestimate the power of women. But being in this class reminded me how incredibly strong women are. How much they are capable of. And that women can accomplish ANYTHING that they put their minds to.

It also makes me look at my own journey, and realize how far I have come. I am currently so frustrated with the scale, but I have to remember that there was once a day when I couldn't even make it through a Cardio Kick class. And now I stand in the front and go beast mode. There was also a day when I couldn't even do one push-up on my toes, now I can do 3 sets of 15! This is what keeps me going. Getting stronger, not thinner. Or at least that is what I am going to try and focus on for a few weeks!

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